


A First Kiss Is Supposed To Be Special

by Merrywetherweather



Category: Homestuck
Genre: (and by that I mean Cronus tries to steal a kiss), A swift kick to the cajones, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Blood, F/F, Fake/Pretend Relationship, First Kiss, Fist Fights, Hand Jobs, High School, Humanstuck, I plan on hitting all of them if not most of them, Kissing, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Abuse, Romantic Tropes, Tutoring, rated m for maybe stuff later, umbrella sharing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-04
Updated: 2016-05-01
Packaged: 2018-05-31 04:50:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 22,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6456586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Merrywetherweather/pseuds/Merrywetherweather
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sappy romantic and high school senior, Karkat Vantas, does not appreciate his older brother's boyfriend trying to score with both siblings at once. When another unsuccessful attempt of Cronus' seduction leads him to flee his room, he accidentally comes face to face with a romcom aficionado's worst enemy: A hardcore romance skeptic.</p><p>I don't have a lot of fully fledged out plans for this, so I can't say how long it's gonna be or what the updating schedule will be like. But I can promise you this, it will be a hilarious ride of one boy failing to avoid obvious romance tropes and another trying to protect his first kiss, prove romance isn't dead, and attempt to avoid falling in love with the least romantic person he's ever met.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Trope One: Sharing an Umbrella

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why do I do this to myself? I have class early tomorrow or, I guess, today now *eyeballs the clock* and I'm also planning to rewrite and finish my speciesbent au. Guess I'll save that for a different day though. Enjoy chapter one!

            Whenever Karkat’s brother brought his boyfriend home, he’d hole himself up in his room. It wasn’t that he hated Cronus, but whenever he was around, Karkat couldn’t help getting a weird vibe from the guy.

Kankri didn’t seem particularly agitated by the unsettling air surrounding him. His brother was oblivious to Cronus’ impure motives, probably just glad to have someone he could talk at for hours on end. In middle school, when the topic of sex ed had finally been introduced to his class, he had taken a vow of celibacy. Now that he was in college, he was more serious about that promise than ever. Cronus was apparently going out with him under the condition that their relationship didn’t delve into anything sexual.

But Karkat could still sense it. It was in the subtle way Cronus’ eyes trailed Kankri’s body when he wasn’t looking. The way his hands always seemed to wander somewhere inappropriate when he ‘accidentally’ tripped or needed to move around his brother in the hall.

But Kankri was almost embarrassingly unaware. He’d brush it off like nothing had even happened. “Just watch where you’re going next time,” He was quick to chastise.

Karkat could tell Cronus was getting frustrated with his brother. He wasn’t reading the mood well enough to know that the only thing Cronus was really interested in was getting him out of his high-waisted pants. He expected their little war would wage on forever.

What he didn’t expect was that Cronus would take his frustrations out on him.

There was a quiet knock on his door. Karkat was doing his homework, his headphones on but no music playing. He was scared of being caught off guard. When Karkat refused to answer, Cronus pushed the door open and made his way inside. “Hey, chief. Whatcha up to?”

Karkat slipped the headphones off to rest them on his neck. His muscles tensed up, alert. “It’s rude to enter someone else’s room without permission. Where’s Kankri?” This was the first time Cronus had ever managed to find him alone. Usually, he’d be able to get Kankri to interfere with Cronus’ advances unknowingly. Just a little distraction from his brother was all he needed to slip away.

Today, he guessed, he wasn’t so lucky.

Cronus came further in and leaned over his desk to inspect his AP Biology worksheet. “He’s takin a shower. Accidentally bumped into him and he fell into a mud puddle. You know me. Always clumsy.” Something in his smile said he wasn’t all that sorry or that it might not have been accidental.

Karkat tried to turn his chair around to face his desk again, the hairs on his arms now standing at attention. “Then go downstairs and wait for him. Just watch some T.V. or get a snack. You know where we keep everything.”

The wheels on his chair moved again as Cronus spun him around. His hands rested on the arms of the chair, barring escape. His face was uncomfortably close. “Come on, doll. At least keep me entertained until he’s done.”

Karkat’s mind was muddling with panic. “I’d rather not.” He tried to get up and move past him but Cronus wouldn’t budge. Indignantly, he gritted out, “Get. Off.”

Cronus looked like he contemplated it for a second before responding, “Nah.” His ugly mug was getting closer.

“Stop!” Karkat could feel his heartbeat hammering in his ears. Cronus’ lips were getting closer to his.

Acting on fight or flight instinct, he kicked out, successfully making the first contact with two very unfortunate alien lifeforms. Cronus buckled in on himself and went to his knees, wheezing.

Karkat took advantage of the moment and scampered over his desk and out his window. He clambered onto his roof and then climbed down an old maple in his front yard to the wet ground below. He would probably have landed flat on his ass, if that had been the first time he had performed his escape act.

Cronus stared dumbly down at him. The initial shock of seeing a high school boy spider monkey his way to freedom was swept away by an outburst of anger, “You little shit! What if I’m impotent now, huh?”

Karkat smirked. He hollered up at him, “That would be phenomenal news! Then you and Kankri really would be a match made in heaven!”

He opened his mouth to say more, but then Karkat caught the sound of his brother’s faint voice talking to Cronus in the background, “Cronus? What are you doing?”

Cronus put his fake smile back on and left the window. “Nothing. Just came in to help Karkat with his bio homework, but then he jumped out his window like a madman. Said he was allergic to learning,” He lied, unashamedly.

“You _shitlord_!” Karkat couldn’t stop himself from cussing.

“Karkat?” Kankri’s voice grew louder. His brother’s head peeked out from his bedroom window. Quickly, Karkat ducked behind the maple. “I thought I heard him just now, but I don’t see him.”

Cronus answered him snidely, “Must have really booked it.”

Karkat would have to kick him harder next time.

He sighed.

At least he had narrowly saved his virgin lips from having their first kiss stolen. That shit had to be special. He was planning on giving it to the person he’d assuredly be spending the rest of his life with. At least, that’s what Drew Barrymore had taught him in _Never Been Kissed_. And who the hell was gonna argue with such a classic?

He dusted himself off and turned around.

Someone was watching him from the sidewalk. It was a tall, lanky kid in aviators, probably unaware that he was ruining his Converse in a hugeass puddle, munching on Bugles like he was at the movies. His hair was platinum blonde and styled to one side, doing its damnedest to fight against the weather, which had been rainy in the morning but had now settled on a foreboding cloudiness that promised a second bout.

He recalled seeing him before. The guy that always sat in the front row of his AP Bio class but somehow never took any notes. But Karkat couldn’t, for the life of him, remember his name. “What the fuck are you looking at?” He slumped against the tree.

The boy shrugged. “Just saw you parkour your way out of your bedroom and into my heart. That was pretty sick, dude. Especially, since you aren’t wearin shoes.” He pointed at Karkat’s feet. His once warm, white, cotton socks were now muddy-brown and wet.

“Fuck.” He had been so gung ho about hauling ass that he forgot he wasn’t wearing his sneakers. That escape act really _could_ have landed him square on his backside.

Or in the E.R.

“Look,” he tried to explain, “I don’t really make a habit of doing stuff like that or anything. You just happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time.”

The boy shrugged again, observing the Bugles he had affixed to his index and thumb. He brought them together and apart like pinchers. “Some might say right time, right place. It’s gotta be fate.”

Karkat felt a few raindrops land on his face. “Are you actually being sincere right now or are you just mocking the situation?” The one-liners were admittedly heart-throb worthy, but the guy seemed like a total jackass, delivering them without any actual emotion.

“Totally mocking.” He smiled. “What? You think folks actually fall head over heels for real when it comes to all that romance trope bullshit?” He pretended to shudder. “Gag. Nah, I’m just playin this up for the hilarity aspect.”

Karkat folded his arms. “What a cynical bastard. Bet that kind of smooth talking gets you all the ladies.”

The boy lowered his shades and winked. “Don’t forget the fellas.”

Karkat hated the little, momentary flutter in his chest.

The rain finally started to come down harder. “Shit!” Karkat brought his arms up to cover his head.

The boy fished around in his pocket and then took out a travel-sized umbrella. He opened it. “You heading back inside now?”

Karkat scoffed. “And risk another encounter with my brother’s hormonally-driven boyfriend? Yeah, no. I think I’ll just stay here and die of hypothermia, thank you very much.”

The boy sighed. “Come on, man. How are we supposed to avoid the obvious romance pitfall tropes if you’re gonna act all stubborn.” He held out his umbrella. “I’ll relent this one time. Here. Take it.”

Karkat remained pressed to the trunk of the tree. “The day I accept help from some pompous, love-is-dead realist is the day I die.”

The boy came nearer, bringing the umbrella to hover over the both of them. He was close, like Cronus had been, but there was something in the way his shoulders remained relaxed that told Karkat he didn’t plan on closing any more distance. “Sorry we can’t all be hopeless romantics. Will you just take the damn thing so I don’t feel morally obligated to stay here and watch you get sick? I promise, it’s gonna be a whole lot less awkward for everybody.”

The boy nodded in the direction of the street. Peering over his shoulder, Karkat saw one of his neighbors getting home from work, looking a little concerned in their direction as she got out of her car.

Hastily, he snatched the umbrella out of his hands. The boy took a few steps back to stand on the sidewalk again. He did a little finger wave (when had he put more Bugles on his hand?). “See you at school, Karkat.”

Oh shit. He knew who he was.

Well, now he might have felt just a smidgeon bad about not remembering the guy’s name.

“Goodbye, whoever the fuck,” He pretended he just didn’t care enough to recall it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *crosses off one trope* only a million more to go


	2. Trope Two: Pairing Up For School

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you believe??? I missed!!! My only class today??? So ridiculous!!! Outrageous??? I'm so upset : ( : ( : (  
> No, but really. I did not wake up in time and thought this was a good use of my time instead.

            The next day came with the painful realization that Karkat had forgotten to finish his AP Bio homework. He groaned and kicked off the covers, snatching up the unfinished sheet. Before he could toss it into his bag, he paused to inspect the umbrella resting by his laptop.

            It hadn’t been very smart to just lay a sopping wet object down next to an expensive electronic, but he had been so tired after standing outside for an hour that setting it down and hopping into bed was all he’d been able to do.

            He sniffled.

            And now it looked like he’d have to endure a bit of a cold too.

            Today was really shaping up to be quite the shit show.

            He grabbed the umbrella on his way out, intending to return it to its rightful owner, hopefully, before he never spoke to the guy again.

When he arrived at school, Karkat spotted Sollux waiting for him by the front steps. He waved him over. Sollux wasted no time in greeting him in the usual manner, “Hey, man. Let me see your bio homework.”

Karkat frowned as he followed Sollux into the school. “Couldn’t do it last night. The older Ampora was over and he wouldn’t leave me alone.” Cronus’ younger brother, Eridan, was in their year. They had gone to elementary school together but had grown farther apart when Eridan’s parents had decided to enroll him in a classier middle school.

Sollux made a face at the mention of the Ampora brothers. He was not a fan. He and Eridan had gotten along like cats and dogs growing up. “Gross. You should just get someone to go home with you on the days he’s around. Use the buddy system. Also, what the fuck are we gonna do? We’ve got bio first period.”

Karkat shrugged. “One: I don’t know anyone with that much free time on their hands. Two: He’s always fucking over these days. And three: We’re screwed. There’s nothing we can do.”

Sollux shifted uncomfortably on his feet. “Oh, man. The teacher’s gonna kill us.”

Their teacher did not kill them.

But she wasn’t pleased. Ms. Megido was probably the weirdest teacher Karkat had ever had. She insisted on being called by her first name, Damara, especially by the male students, constantly made innuendos that could make even the most muscle-headed of the football jocks turn beet red, and always seemed to perfectly display about eighty-five percent of her cleavage at all times. There were few if any good rumors about her, but Karkat had seen her boyfriend drop her lunch off her once before, so he mostly assumed she was just really comfortable with her body.

She had sharp eyes and immediately noticed when Sollux and he had failed to pass their papers forward. “Vantas. Captor. What’s the hold up? Papers.” She tapped at the pile forming on her desk.

Karkat caught sight of the boy from yesterday peeking up at him from the front row. He was grinning. What a smarmy-

“Well? Where are they?” She asked again.

He quickly made up an excuse, “Sorry, Ms. Megido. Forgot to do mine.”

“Same.” Sollux didn’t bother with an apology, just latching onto Karkat’s. His focus was on his phone as he tapped out what looked like a tweet.

She shook her head. “Not good. Not good. This is the third time in the last two weeks. You don’t want to go down a grade, right?”

“No, ma’am,” Karkat answered her.

“What he said,” Sollux still didn’t look up from his phone.

Karkat sent him a glare. Why the hell was he making him do all the work?

Ms. Megido sighed. “I’m assigning you both tutors. I don’t have time to catch you up myself and I can’t have two more dopes drop out of or fail my class.” She slammed her hand down on a desk in the front row. The boy from yesterday jumped, his pencil comically sailing through the air and landing somewhere in the middle of the class. “Mr. Strider.”

Well, at least now Karkat knew half of his name.

“You have the audacity to doodle in my class yet again. And while someone else is already getting chewed out.” She smirked. “But you get great marks. Probably the best, after my niece of course.” Aradia Megido beamed from her seat in the upper right part of the room. She seemed to enjoy quietly observing the commotion. “Okay. It’s decided. Strider will teach Vantas. Aradia, you’ll get Captor.”

That had Sollux’s attention. Aradia waved to him. He fumbled to put away his phone and tried to wave back.

Uh-oh.

That was a red flag event if Karkat ever saw one.

Strider groaned from the front row. “Seriously, Dams? I work my ass off, get good grades, and _I’m_ the one being punished?”

Ms. Megido narrowed her eyes. “Do not call me Dams. Also, don’t pretend you’re completely innocent. I know you were the one who freed our frog hoard two months ago before we could dissect them.”

He set a hand to his heart, offended. “I was in search of the rarest of pepes and it didn’t go as planned. Was gonna take some great selfies with the little Kermits but they scampered off before I could get my phone out. Could you really blame me for that?”

She didn’t miss a beat. “Yes.”

He shrugged. “Some people just don’t understand fine art.”

The end of class rolled around and Karkat hurried to get out of his seat to see Strider before he could leave. But he was tugged back before he could manage a step. Sollux had grabbed his arm. “Hold on! Hold on! Stay here!”

“What? Why?”

He looked nervous. “Because Aradia’s coming this way and I think my mouth is gonna stop working. Shit. Here she comes.”

“Hey, boys!” She leaned on Sollux’s desk. “Sorry to see you guys get called out like that.”

Sollux laughed a bit too unnaturally. “Yeah. It’s no biggie! We get called out for that kind of shit all the time.” Karkat mentally face palmed.

He tried to save him from the flaming wreckage that was the current conversation. “It doesn’t happen _that_ often. He’s just exaggerating. More importantly, he can’t wait to start his tutoring sessions with you.”

“Really?” There was a twinkle in her eyes that Karkat perceived as Aradia having already developed an interest in his good friend Sollux, who now appeared to be sweating bullets.

Karkat elbowed him in the ribs. “Uh, yeah! I can’t wait. Bio isn’t my strong suit so really any kind of help would be appreciated.”

Wow.

This was painful to watch.

Karkat let their conversation continue unchaperoned while he tried to find Strider again.

He was already gone.

Damn.

“Looking for Dave?” He was surprised to be pulled back into the conversation by Aradia.

“Uh… Who?” He asked.

She rolled her eyes. “Dave. Your tutor.”

Oh.

“Oh. Um, yeah. I had something to give him, but I guess I’ll have to wait until tomorrow.” Karkat really didn’t feel like putting it off though. Any time he had to spend in the proximity of someone so irritatingly devoid of the wonderful world of romance was not something he’d be looking forward to.

But he really should give the guy his umbrella back.

“Why wait? You’ll see him at lunch.” Sollux raised an eyebrow.

“We have lunch with him?” Karkat was beginning to think being oblivious ran in his gene pool.

“Yeah. He sits with John from my band class.” He turned to Aradia, attempting to impress her. “We both play piano.”

Karkat huffed. “Actually, he plays a synthesizer, which is like a piano except for tech nerds.”

“They both have keyboards. I bet it wouldn’t be too difficult to play a piano,” Sollux countered.

“Alright.” Aradia checked her phone for the time. “Well, I gotta get to my next class. Oh, but here.” She slipped Sollux a piece of paper. “My number. Call me later, okay?”

“Absolutely.” His eyes trailed after Aradia and kept staring where she’d been even after she had already left the room.

“You got it bad, man,” Was all Karkat could say.

Sollux snapped out of his trance. “Oh, please. Like you have any room to talk. You were looking for a way to go talk to Dave the entire time.”

He felt his face heat up. “I do not have a thing for Dave. I need to give him back his umbrella and avoid any and all interactions with him thereafter.”

Sollux wiggled his brows. “That’s gonna be difficult now that you’ll be seeing each other regularly for bio.”

Karkat groaned.

“Cheer up.” Sollux smacked him on the back. “Think of this as one of your emotional pornographies.”

“Romcoms,” Karkat corrected.

Sollux ignored the interjection. “What was the one you made me watch the other day? The one about the girl in Algebra who started not doin so hot to get the guy’s attention? Anger Chicks?”

“ _Mean Girls_.”

“Yeah, that one wasn’t so bad. It’s gonna be just like that.”

“Somehow, I highly doubt it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BREAKING: Dave is so not happy to be sucked into romcom hell. More on the story as it develops.


	3. Trope Three: The Romantic's "Love Trumps Skepticism" Speech

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah dave is gonna be a bit of a dick in this chapter but there will be reasons provided for why later i promise.

“Where does he usually sit?” Karkat scanned the cafeteria, on the lookout for his new tutor. He wasn’t too keen on the idea of spending time with Dave, but after Sollux had suggested finding someone he could use to buddy system his way out of alone time with Cronus, getting paired up with Strider for biology had seemed like a pretty convenient solution to his problem.

Kanaya carried her lunch tray, her shoulders still and tense. “I was surprised when Sollux said you wanted help being introduced to Rose’s lunch table, but I didn’t expect you to be so enthusiastic. Usually, you tend to avoid making new friends.”

Karkat shrugged. “It’s unavoidable this time. Ms. Megido wants him to tutor me in biology.”

The corners of Kanaya’s mouth rose the slightest bit. “Sounds like a perfect opportunity to make a new friend. You know, his circle isn’t so bad. His cousin, Rose, and I became fast… friends? And, well, now,” She flushed, “we get along well enough.”

Karkat smirked up at her. “Bragging about your girlfriend?”

“We are not girlfriends…” She hastily corrected him. Then her expression shifted, as if she was starting to doubt her words, “…yet? Really, we’re just _friends_ that spend a lot of time together and share intimate moments and- oh my god, you have no idea how frustrating it is!” She finally relented, “She’s just so _stubborn_. We’ll flirt and it’ll be so enjoyable and sweet and then, three seconds later, it’s absolute bedlam, because she won’t say she likes me and for some reason, she makes me feel that if I were to say it first… I’ve somehow lost. But I’m also not sure _what_ I would lose.”

Karkat sighed. “This is such a classic case of passive aggressive romance drama. She’s playing head games. If you really want to one up her, you should just decimate the battle field completely. Bite the bullet and confess. She’ll be stunned shitless.”

Kanaya looked at him, disappointment resting in the pout of her lips.

“What?” He raised an eyebrow.

She sighed. “I was just thinking… If only you were this adept at giving yourself romantic advice.”

She walked him across the cafeteria, to the corner of the room, and eventually Dave’s table came into view. He was sitting next to Sollux’s band geek acquaintance, John. On the other side of the table, sitting in an end seat, was Kanaya’s “gal pal” Rose and her friend Jade, who he knew to be one of the fairly popular girls, since she did well in sports.

“Hello, Rose.” Kanaya beamed down at her. “And company,” She threw in last minute so as not to appear rude.

            No one seemed to take offense to the vague mention, only nodding or giving a quick, “Sup.”

            She pointed to Karkat. “I have a friend that would like to sit with us today, if that’s okay. This is Karkat.”

            Jade smiled and John waved at him. Dave remained fixedly staring down at his phone. Rose leaned forward and greeted him first. “Of course he’s welcome to sit with us. Hello, Karkat. Can I ask what your relationship is to Kanaya?” She followed up by bluntly asking about the thing she _really_ wanted to know.

            Karkat gave Kanaya a quick glance. She looked mildly uncomfortable, like she was mentally preparing to take Rose on. Like hell he was gonna let that coy bullshit continue. Kanaya could fight her own battles, but he figured it wouldn’t hurt if he just needled her a little, “That’s a little forward. Why do you want to know? Seems a bit odd to be so heavily invested in the kind of company another person keeps. I mean, unless you have a reason for caring?”

            Rose’s upturned mouth twitched but remained smiling. To his surprise, Dave was the one that answered him, “Holy shit. You haven’t even sat down yet and already you plan on throwing down. For future reference, that’s not a great way to make friends.” He turned to his cousin. “I wouldn’t let what this guy says bother you, Rose. He’s a hardcore romantic. He’d try to find the underlying tension between pieces of furniture if you place em close enough together.”

            Rose looked unaffected. “I’m not worried in the slightest, Dave. Besides, it’s always refreshing meeting people that don’t know how to speak with a filter.”

            “Guys, this is, like, the exact opposite of giving him a warm welcome,” Jade chastised them. “Kanaya, you can sit next to me today.” She patted the seat next to her and winked at the both of them. “And I’m sure Dave won’t mind if Karkat takes the seat next to him.”

            Kanaya and Karkat motioned to take their seats. Dave let out an exhausted huff of air when Karkat scooched in next to him. Karkat tried to start up a new conversation, more in line with his actual intentions for being there, “Listen. I’m not actually trying to make new friends or anything-”

            “No. Really? Could have fooled me _,_ ” Dave’s monotone voice interrupted him.

            He pressed on, ignoring the remark, “I’m here because I need to schedule meetings with you for our tutoring sessions. So first, I’m gonna need your number.”

            John whistled and smacked Dave on the back. “Nice, man!”

            Dave lifted his shades up so John could tell he was glaring at him, “John, shut the fuck up.” He whipped back around to address Karkat. “We really don’t have to do that. I mean, we can just _tell_ Ms. Megido we’re doing the tutoring sessions. Just do your damn homework and she’ll get off our case.”

            “Karkat, you haven’t been doing your homework?” Kanaya looked at him worriedly.

            He raised his hands defensively. “I have my reasons! There’s been a lot of… distractions at home right now.”

            Well, more like one big distraction, but he doubted he’d ever be able to bring it up to any of his friends.

            “So do your homework in the library. Shouldn’t be that difficult to find a quiet place to study.” Dave seemed unempathetic to his plight.

            Before Karkat could reply with another snide remark, Jade snapped at him, “Dave, stop being such a grouch and help him already! And you shouldn’t lie to your teacher.”

            Dave groaned. “Fine,” He grit out and held out his phone, the keypad screen already up and ready for Karkat to punch in his number. “Give me your number and I’ll send you a text with mine tonight.”

            Karkat took it and started to enter his information in. “How can I trust that you’ll actually message me?”

            Dave smiled. “Wow. Are you _that_ desperate for my digits?” He swiped his phone back when he was done. “Listen, I don’t want any long-winded love letters being sent to me on here. You don’t use emojis do you? I bet you do. You look like the type to overuse the heart eyes one.”

            Karkat huffed. “Don’t flatter yourself. I just don’t want to fail bio.” And he also needed some poor sap to unknowingly protect him with his presence alone from his brother’s sexually harassing boyfriend. But, motives aside, Karkat was starting to think about pressing the tutoring sessions out of spite, if Dave was gonna be that opposed to it.

Then remembrance flashed through him and he started fishing around in his bag. He pulled out Dave’s umbrella and tried to hand it to him. “Here. You lent this to me yesterday and I forgot to give it to you after class.”

            Jade and John both simultaneously released drawn out “Aw”s although only Jade’s appeared to actually be sincere. The unwanted attention made his cheeks heat up.

            Dave looked at the offending object like it had murdered his family. “I knew this would come back to bite me in the ass. You share an umbrella with one down on his luck dude and suddenly everybody makes you out to be the kitten saving bad boy type. Keep it. I can already tell you’re the type of person that I don’t want to get too involved with.”

            Wow.

            _Wow._

            There was a snapping noise. Karkat thrust the umbrella into Dave’s chest. “Will you stop being such a fucking asshole and take the damn thing? I _get_ it! You don’t want to give me the wrong impression! Good! I don’t want to get that impression from you! Not everyone you act a little nice to immediately wants your beef truncheon. You don’t have to worry about me. You’re so not my type. You’re a feculent dickhead whose got a huge aversion to anything romance. I’m _so_ sorry some of us actually believe in love and expressing it through, admittedly, cliché romantic gestures!”  By the end of his rant, he was panting, completely out of breath from raising his voice. Dave appeared to be too dumbfounded to say anything in rebuttal.

            When had the cafeteria gotten so quiet?

            Then people started clapping and hollering. Karkat’s face felt like it was on fire, but he noticed a hint of a blush was also starting to spread across Dave’s too. In just a few seconds, he was red to his ear tips.

John pretended to wipe away a single tear. “Oh, man. That was beautiful, Karkat. You wanna sit with us again tomorrow too?”

After the entire lunch room had just witnessed him losing his cool because of Dave?

He’d be lucky if Strider still felt like texting him later that night.

He put his jacket hood up and pulled the strings to tighten the edges around his face. When he stood up, Kanaya made a move to follow him, but he held up a hand asking her to not. She hesitantly sat back down and watched him walk out of the cafeteria. He mentally berated himself for not being able to control his mouth and for accidentally taking the damned umbrella with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oooooh man. oh man. why did dave turn red, you ask? is dave embarrassed because of all that attention or is he really just flustered by karkat's passionate soliloquy? tune in next time and maybe we'll find out.


	4. Trope Four: The Late Night Phone Call

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> everybody doin alright? i've wacthed collide over 20 times already and downloaded the music. every time heir of grief plays i cry on command. it's pavlovian. im tellin you.

Karkat pulled out a soda and closed the refrigerator door. He nearly had a heart attack when he saw Cronus leaning against his kitchen counters behind it. “Holy shit” His pulse rate picked up but he tried to look impassive and unimpressed. “ _Really?_ Did you think you were being smooth or something?”

Cronus shrugged. “It’s something that happens in your girly love movies, right?”

Karkat almost saw red. “Ugh! No! You’re completely wrong! That kind of thing is supposed to happen in schools with lockers, because you expect other people to be there, but, at the same time, the prince charming that just happens to appear when you close the door is a small but welcome surprise. Sneaking up on a person in their own home, when they thought they were alone, is something out of a horror film!”

Cronus looked unaffected by this information. “But it still gets your heart pumpin either way, right?”

Karkat grimaced. “What are you doing here anyway? Kankri has charity work today.”

Cronus fished around in his pocket and pulled out and flashed him a house key, dangling on one of his fingers from a small silver ring. “He gave me a key in case I ever wanted to come over early for our dates and relax.”

Karkat pointed to the living room. “Well, then. Be my guest. Go relax and stop bothering me.”

Cronus glanced at the fridge before looking back at him. “That’s cold, doll.” He knocked on the side of it for emphasis.

For a moment, Karkat debated what would be worse, having to stand there and be harassed, or having to listen to Cronus’ terrible puns for hours on end.

Their attention shifted as a buzzing noise filtered up from below. Cronus smiled. “Is that a phone in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”

Karkat flipped him off as he retrieved his mobile device. It was a text from an unknown number. He decided to use the good fortune to take his chance and escape. “I have to take this, so I’ll be leaving.”

He tried to push past him, but Cronus caught his wrist. “Wait! It’s a text, right? You don’t have to answer it _right_ away.”

Karkat’s skin crawled. “It says it’s an emergency. I have to call them _now_.”

Cronus looked reluctant.

Karkat pointed to the living room. “We just recorded _Grease_ on our DVR. You can watch it in there.”

Expression conflicted, Cronus relented and let go. “Fine.” He brushed past him on his way to the living room. “Another day.”

Karkat began climbing the steps, unnerved by Cronus’ last words. He got to his room and closed the door behind him. He let the quiet, open space settle him down. Just a second. Just a second where he could breathe and be alone.

His phone buzzed again.

He let out such a loud sigh that it might as well have been a groan.

The second was up.

Back to real life.

There were two messages when he looked at the screen, both from the same unknown number. The first didn’t say very much, “hey its dave. text me when you get this message.” The second, sent only five minutes after the first, read, “this _is_ the right number right? look i know you probably dont want to talk to me right now or maybe even ever again. if its any consolation i feel kind of bad about what happened at lunch. didnt mean to make you snap. i changed my mind about bio. as much as it pains me if you really need the help im down.”

Karkat swiftly added him to his contacts under the name ‘ _John Tucker_ ’. He dialed the number. Dave answered after the second ring, “Yo.”

“ _Such magnamity_.” His slipped some sarcasm into his voice, “God, what’s with acting like a martyr? If it pains you so much-”

“Did you call me just to chew me out?” Dave sounded a little reluctant to be yelled at.

Karkat thought it was best to answer him simply so he wouldn’t hang up, “No.”

“Why didn’t you just send a text? Who still calls people in this day and age? We’re supposed to be technology obsessed teens, bro. Get with the program and be just as out of touch with other people as the rest of us,” There was a brief pause, “Or maybe you were tryin to seek out that ancient touch with yours truly. Trying to rekindle the flame of forgotten bonds? You saucy motherfucker.”

Karkat rubbed at one of his temples. “Do you have an off switch?”

“None that I know of yet. Why? You plan on doing a cavity search?”

 _Almost_.

He _almost_ threw his phone at the wall.

Karkat took a deep breath and resumed the conversation. “Not everything I do is a romance trap, asshole. Just because I like watching those kinds of things pan out in books and in movies doesn’t mean I personally want them to happen in _my_ life.” That was only a half lie. Truth be told, he would probably be ecstatic. But it just wasn’t feasible with the type of person he was. He just didn’t see himself as the protagonist to a happily-ever-after love story.

“Oh,” Was all Dave said in response, “So why _did_ you call then?”

“Uh…” Yeah, there was no way he was telling Dave he was forced to because he had lied to Cronus. But the walls in his house were thin and if he didn’t call, there was a chance his brother’s boyfriend might get suspicious and come upstairs to check up on him. “I wanted my anger to be conveyed properly and caps lock doesn’t change the volume you hear when you read it in your head.”

There was hushed laughter on the other side. “Should have guessed. I’ve never heard you talk with an indoor voice yet.”

Karkat tried to speak quieter, “Well, we also haven’t known each other for very long.”

There was silence on the other end.

“Dave?” Karkat prompted him.

He answered, “Sorry… Was that on purpose?”

            Karkat raised an eyebrow. “Was what on purpose?”  
            “You’re voice got lower. A little bit raspy. Kind of sexy actually.”

            This time Karkat really did throw his phone, but only onto his bed. He quickly flopped down next to it, picked it up, and replied. “You know, for someone who doesn’t like romance, you sure know how to use innuendo.”

            Dave ‘tsked’ at him. “Lust and love are two very different things and you can have one without the other.”

            Karkat bit into his bottom lip. “So, then… you’re experienced in… the first one?”

            Suddenly, Dave’s voice was much louder, more flustered, “Holy shit. How did I let this conversation reach this point? We’re gonna have to backpedal a little, because I am _so_ not answering that question.”

            Karkat huffed. “First you were fine with innuendo but not love and now it’s neither? How quickly your bullshit unravels when someone dares to call you out on it.”

            “Well, how about your bullshit?” He sounded defensive. “If you’re not even interested in me, why did you ask?”

            “I didn’t say I wasn’t interested. I just said you weren’t my type.” Both of them went quiet. Karkat jumped back in to remedy his statement, “Only as a person though! I did _not_ mean that in a romantic or sexual manner!”

            Dave sighed, sounding a little drained on the other end, “This entire phone call has been so embarrassing. Why don’t we just discard this train of thought entirely. Back to bio tutoring. How’s tomorrow lookin for you? It’s a Saturday, so I’m free. Where do you live?”

            “Oh, uh…” Karkat tried to catch up with the sudden topic change, his mind still reeling from the previous subject matter. “Any time after twelve is fine. I get up late on weekends. My address is six-twelve Crabberry Lane.”

            Dave was a little more monotone than before when he spoke, “Cool. Then I’ll see you tomorrow. Be ready to study and definitely not anything else.” The phone disconnected.

            He had hung up.

            Just like that.

            No goodbye.

            Wait. Why was he bummed out? It’s not like Karkat particularly _wanted_ to continue the call or needed a goodbye. No. He was only upset, because Dave was rude and was lacking in basic phone call etiquette. That was definitely it.

            His heart started doing something weird without his permission.

            Karkat slammed his face into his pillow and screamed. He hoped Cronus would hear and assume he was being murdered. Maybe he’d leave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haha wow what dorks.  
> I LOVE THEM.


	5. Trope Five: The Tutoring Session

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well this has gone completely fucking pear shaped. looks like you'll have to decapitate me

The doorbell rang a little past noon. Karkat pushed Kankri aside to get to the door first, but was yanked back by his shirt collar. He struggled to be released while Kankri chastised him, “Karkat! That was very rude! Why are you in such a rush?”

Karkat flailed but kept swinging through open air. “Let go! It isn’t your damned boyfriend this time. I invited someone over so just mind your own business and go eat your kale or whatever.”

Kankri huffed and tossed him back some. “We’re brothers. Your business is my business.” He reached for the knob and pulled the door open.

Dave was on the other side, staring in past Kankri, immediately locking eyes with Karkat. He did a double take between the brothers. “Holy shit. You got an illegal cloning operation going on it here or what?”

“Oh, Christ,” Karkat groaned.

Kankri huffed. “Karkat! Language!”

Dave quickly moved past him. “Oh, man. Never mind. You guys can’t be clones.” He stood in front of Karkat only addressing him now, “He’s at least a little self-aware of the bullshit that comes out of _his_ mouth.”

“Strider. My room. Now.” Karkat pointed in the direction of the steps.

“I’m over for five seconds and already you want to bed me. You cad.”

Kankri’s cheeks grew red. He spluttered, “ _Bed?_ ”

Karkat waved his hands around as if he could remove the thought from the air. “No no no! He’s just joking! We aren’t doing anything like that. He’s only here to tutor me.”

Kankri’s brow furrowed. “If you needed a tutor, you could have just asked _me_.”

Karkat grimaced. Before he could say more, Dave took his wrist and started pulling him along. “Sorry. But the teach specifically asked for me to tutor him. Gotta make up for the times I haven’t been in class mentally, ya know?” He stopped in front of the steps and whispered low in Karkat’s ear, “Jesus. Is he the reason you can’t get any work done?”

Karkat flinched as Dave’s warm breath hit his skin. “N-no.” He pushed some hair behind his ear to try and rid himself of the tingling feeling. “He’s mostly just a nuisance.”

Dave seemed to consider him for a second before nodding. “Alright.” He didn’t pry more, just turned and led the way upstairs.

Karkat showed him into his room. Dave plopped his ass down on the bed and threw his back pack down next to him. “Your room’s so clean. Was it in preparation for my arrival?”

Karkat sat down at his desk. “No. My room is always this clean. Things are easier to find when you’re organized. Why? How messy is your room?”

He shrugged. “The usual amount of mess.” His shirt was creeping up, revealing a sliver of his exposed stomach.

Karkat frowned and tried to keep his eyes focused on his awful eyewear instead. “It’s a fucking pigsty, isn’t it?”

Dave abruptly sat up. “Oh my god. You would be such a naggy girlfriend.”

“Boyfriend.”

            He waved off the correction and retrieved his textbook. “We have to do the questions on page two-eighty-three.”

            Karkat already had the book open, notebook laid out in front of him, pen in his hand. “Way ahead of you.”

            Dave skimmed the page. “Do you actually need help with any of this? I mean, it looks pretty simple. We aren’t that far into the chapter.” He glanced up at him. “Plus, you seem like a smart guy.”

            “That’s-” Karkat started to talk but was interrupted by the sound of the door opening and closing downstairs. “Shush!” He jumped to the window and looked outside. Cronus’ car was parked across the street next to what he assumed was Dave’s red pick-up. “Shit. He’s here.”

            “Who? Dave tried to peer over his shoulder, his body leaning over his behind the desk. Karkat whipped around and put a hand out to push him back a little to give them both some distance. His face felt hot. Dave looked unconcerned with their close proximity.

            He hurried to answer him, “No one important.” He sat back down in his desk chair. “Let’s just get started. Then we’ll see how far we can get without wanting to strangle each other.”

            Dave looked unconvinced but did as he was told. He pulled up a stool and watched him while he worked, writing down his answers and occasionally flipping back in the chapter to find any information he had forgotten. Dave remained quiet as he observed his progress.

There was only one question left when Karkat heard the front door slam again. He stood up and checked the window. Kankri was getting into his buick.

Oh no.

He sat back down. Dave nudged him. “What’s up? You look a little pale.”

“Can we please just stay focused on getting this done?”

Dave shifted uncomfortably on the stool.

Then his bedroom door swung open, Cronus’ grinning maw flashing at them. His smile faltered when he saw Karkat was with company.

Maybe this _would_ work?

Maybe he’d be deterred and just give up today?  
            Cronus spoke up, “Hey, kid. Who’s your study buddy?” Before either of them could answer he threw in, “It’s getting kind of late. Shouldn’t he be headin home?”

Karkat’s heart was running a mile a minute. “It’s only three and we’re just doing some homework.”

Cronus stepped inside and crossed the room. He set his hand down on the desk, covering his notebook and preventing him from writing. He leaned across to talk to Dave, but it was Karkat’s space he was invading. “Hey, chief. You think you can step out real quick and give us a few minutes to discuss some things in private?”

Karkat clenched the pen tightly. He hadn’t expected Cronus would be so direct and adamant about it. He wasn’t going to give up. Dave would leave and he’d be stuck with him in his room all alone.

The sound of the metal stool screeching along the wooden floor made the room go eerily quiet. Dave had stood up, but, to Karkat’s surprise, had remained standing in place. Karkat saw him peek down at him from behind his shades, giving him a look that he didn’t know how to interpret. What was he doing?

Finally, he answered Cronus, “Sorry, bro. We’re sort of getting work done in here. Karkat gets pretty distracted and it’s my job to keep him on task. He’ll end up flunkin bio if I’m not around to keep away all the interruptions.” His smile was challenging. “You wouldn’t want him to fail right? His brother would be mightily upset.”

Cronus sneered but stepped back. Karkat could suddenly breathe easier with his personal bubble no longer being compromised. “Yeah, okay. Kankri just stepped out for some snacks and I was just doin the respectable thing by checkin up on you.” He started to walk out but stopped at the door. “We’ll talk another day then.” Then he left.

Karkat’s head fell to his desk with a heavy thud. He sighed, shaking as the tension finally left him, his nerves shot.

When he turned his head to the side, Dave had pushed his glasses to rest atop his head. His eyes glared down at him, fiery and upset. “Don’t get too comfortable. We’re gonna talk about what just went down immediately.”

Karkat rubbed at his eyes, stressed and needing someone to take his frustrations out on. “I don’t know what you want me to say.”

Dave huffed. “Fine. Since you don’t know what direction this conversation should move in, I’ll ask questions and you just have to answer. First, who is that asshole and, second, why is he allowed in your house?”

“He’s Kankri’s-he’s my brother’s boyfriend.” He left it at that, figuring it probably answered both questions.

Dave looked disgusted. “Gross. Next question. Is he the reason you aren’t getting your work done?”

The interrogation spiel was grating on his nerves. Why the hell was he being subjected to this? He exploded, “ _Yes!_ He’s the fucking reason I can’t get my work done! I try and hole myself up in here but he walks around the house like he owns the damn thing. My dad doesn’t get back home until late because of work and Kankri is chastity tight so he’s not giving him any kind of release. And because he’s chosen me to be the target of those backed up sexual frustrations,” Karkat lowered his volume a little, hesitant to continue, “I wanted someone to come over and maybe keep him away by just being around. I didn’t think he’d try anything if another person was watching.”

Karkat peeked up at Dave. His arms were still crossed but he looked conflicted. He sighed and threw his hands up. “That’s fucked up.” He took a seat on the bed. “Man,” He chuckled tiredly, “this can’t be good for that romantic ego of yours either. That guy doesn’t care about anything aside from finding a place to stick his beef truncheon in… And you still don’t think love is dead yet?”

Maybe it was the lingering fear from Cronus’ visit.

Or maybe it was the anger of being questioned relentlessly by Dave.

But the words stung.

“ _Fuck off!_ Why the hell would you bring that up now of all times?” He felt a prickle in his nose, a tell that if he didn’t calm down, the waterworks would start.

Dave shrugged. “That’s really just our ongoing argument, right? I was just taking advantage of the situation to add to my side of the debate. You should be okay with that. I mean, you clearly took advantage of our tutoring arrangement to get that asshole off your back.”

Karkat glared at him. “So sorry I don’t feel like being harassed in my own home.” And then the tears fell. He couldn’t have stopped them if he had tried.

Dave’s whole body froze, his eyes comically widening in shock. “Shit.” He rubbed at the back of his neck and started looking around the room. “Oh man. Don’t cry. I definitely was not trying to make you cry. Come on. I thought you were tougher than that.”

Karkat stood up. “I _am_ tough! I’m also way too emotional right now! _Fuck!_ ” He tried to stifle a sob, resting his face in his hands.

“Hey…” He lifted his head. Dave was holding a tissue out for him. “Here.”

He took it gratefully and blew his nose. He sighed. Dave didn’t deserve this. He was just bringing someone else into his problems. “I’m sorry I used you to get Cronus to leave me alone.” He sniffled.

Dave shifted on his feet. “It’s fine. I’m sorry I made you cry. I obviously don’t know what kind of shit you’re dealing with here and I shouldn’t have used it to fuel our romance-is-dead debate.”

Karkat shoved his shoulder. “It’s not dead.”

Dave trapped his hand and pulled it back to his chest. “As I said, it’s debatable.”

Karkat’s pulse quickened. He quickly retrieved his hand. There was a light dusting of red on Dave’s face but he looked more bothered than anything. Karkat hastily introduced a new topic. “So I guess that’s it for our tutoring sessions then?”

Dave shook his head. “Nah. We can still have tutor sessions. We can go to my house for most of them and then, if we have to, I’ll still come to yours.”

Karkat blinked away a few remaining tears. “You’ll still come over?”

Dave smiled. “Aw man. Don’t sound so happy. You’ll give a guy expectations.” His smile took a downward turn. “We’re gonna have to come up with something to keep that guy away though.”

An idea popped into Karkat’s head, but he kept it to himself.

Dave caught the moment though and didn’t let go. “You’ve got something to say, don’t you? Come on. Let’s hear it.”

Karkat bit his lip. “I don’t want to. You’re gonna hate it.”

Dave crossed his arms. “I know. I don’t know how I know but I know. Come on. Just say it.”

Karkat nodded. “Okay. Here goes.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 413 is tomorrow and i am not ready.


	6. Trope Six: Fake Dating

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> nobody has to eat their hats now. fake boyfriends trope is here and queer.  
> also homestuck ended and my heart went with it. i cant believe it you guys. i mean great googily moogily it all went to shit.  
> hopefully the epilogue wraps up everyone's character arcs cause plot wise the ending seemed fine and articstically beautiful but since when do people read homestuck for the plot or art and not the amazing cast of characters?

            “We could fake date,” Karkat grimaced at his own suggestion. It was a pretty common theme in a lot of his movies and, as an observer, he tended to enjoy it quite a bit. Being a part of the trope seemed kind of off putting though.

            Dave nodded, taking it in. “Yeah, I kind of figured that was where this was going. I don’t really have any other ideas so I don’t mind. But can you act?”

            Karkat feigned offense. “I’ll have you know, I was cast the bullshit role as the tree in my elementary school play and everybody said I was their favorite character.”

            Dave grinned. “How did you manage that?”

            “I accidentally knocked out the other trees with one of my branches and had to improvise. Suddenly Dorothy was traveling to Oz with plus one redemption arc bound tree in need of some feet. She had to pretend she was carrying me the entire time. Of course, when we reached the end and everybody found out the wizard was a hack, I was the only traveling companion that was told he couldn’t really do anything. So they just had to plant me in the city and I had to be satisfied with that.”

            Dave tilted his head, probably imagining it. “That’s adorable.” Karkat flicked his gaze away, suddenly embarrassed. Dave changed topics, “I should probably head out now. You should probably follow me down for our first performance together.”

            Karkat nodded. “Alright.” He opened his door. “After you.”

            They made it to the foyer before Karkat caught Cronus watching them warily from the couch in the living room. He was starting to freak out. What were they going to say? How did the people in his romcoms act it out? Why hadn’t they talked this over first?

            “Hey,” Dave’s voice snapped his attention back to his face. He had a small smile hanging on his lips. He took his shades off and rested them on his head. His eyes were warm, half-lidded and soft. “I had fun today. Can’t wait to see you in school on Monday.”

            “U-um, yeah.” Damn. All that bravado and talk about the tree and he was useless in the face of Dave’s fake lovelorn expression.

            Dave leaned down. “And where’s my goodbye kiss?” He closed his eyes expectantly.

            Oh no.

            No. Not his first kiss! He saw Cronus raise an eyebrow in his peripheral vision. _Shit._ He had to do something.

            He got up on his tip toes and kissed Dave’s cheek. He pulled back and saw Dave’s face, stuck between being surprised and trying not to laugh.

            Fucker was enjoying this.

            He reached out a hand and ruffled Karkat’s hair. “Well, not the usual one, but I know you’re shy in front of other people, so I’ll let you off for today.” The way Dave’s fingers lingered in his hair made heat run flush down his neck. There was no doubt that his face was flaring up bright red.

            “Yeah... I’ll see you in school. Bye.” Karkat continued to keep his eyes glued to the ground as he heard Dave walk out and close the door.

            He sighed, a strange floating feeling making him stand there dazedly. He remembered Cronus and turned to catch him staring. Cronus immediately swerved his attention back to the television, acting as if he wasn’t the least bit interested in their interaction.

            He quickly retreated to his room and checked his phone. One new text.

            “any reason your acting skills fell short of the whole eight yards?”

            “IT’S NINE YARDS, DIPSHIT.”

            “oh my god. its sports. who actually cares? ya know you hyped yourself up so i was expectin a little more than that dr love.”

            Karkat groaned before typing out his answer, “I’VE NEVER KISSED ANYBODY BEFORE.”

            “why?” That was it. Just a one word response.

            “BECAUSE A FIRST KISS IS SUPPOSED TO BE SPECIAL. IT’S SUPPOSED TO MEAN SOMETHING. YOU HAVE TO DO IT WITH SOMEONE YOU LOVE.”

            “thats not really what I meant by why. aside from the hysterical romantic drivel shtick, youre fairly attractive. somebody should have been up for mackin on you by now.”

            There it was again. That floaty feeling. The hammering in his chest. The warmth starting to gather in his cheeks. “HEY. CAN YOU MAYBE STOP FLIRTING WITH ME SO MUCH? I KNOW YOU DON’T ACTUALLY GIVE A SHIT BUT IT COULD GIVE SOMEBODY THE WRONG IMPRESSION. YOU KNOW, FOR SOMEONE THAT DOESN’T LIKE ROMANCE, YOU’RE AWFULLY GOOD AT COURTING.”

            “how tf??? i am not flirting seriously. you just take everything that way. your brain is hardwired to hone in on that stuff.”

            “OH FUCK YOU! I’M GONNA JUST END OUR CONVERSATION HERE FOR THE DAY. I’M OFFICIALLY MAXED OUT ON THE AMOUNT OF BULLSHIT I CAN TAKE THAT COMES OUT OF YOUR RIDICULOUSLY SHAPELY HIPSTER MOUTH.”

            “fine. ive had more than my fair share of your fuckery today myself.”

            Karkat almost set his phone down again before it buzzed one final time. “wait. shapely??”

            He ignored the message and went to bed.

            Monday rolled around and, as per usual, things were going swimmingly. He had entered bio, made eye contact with Dave, and, almost as if they were fated to have the same distasteful thought of aversion, both blatantly ignored the other.

            The rest of the class was spent listening to Sollux whispering to him about how his tutoring sessions with Aradia were coming along and trying to spy what Dave was doodling in the front row. He caught his eye one more time again near the end as their new homework sheets were passed back. Then the bell rung and Dave collected his things and was out the door before Karkat even had time to even stand up.

            Lunch presented a completely unprecedented issue. Kanaya had apparently followed Karkat’s advice down to the ‘T’ and it had worked like a charm. Her brazen confession had landed both her and Rose into a steady relationship no problem. Except now Kanaya seemed hellbent on integrating them both into Rose’s and, by association, Dave’s lunch table.

            She sat him down next to Dave in the seat he had taken up Friday. Dave looked at him momentarily before returning his gaze downward, engrossing himself in pushing around the soggy mashed potatoes on his lunch tray.

            He had started to space out when Jade began nudging his arm. “Karkat! Hey, Karkat!”

            “Oh, sorry. What?” He snapped out of his stupor.

            Jade rolled her eyes. “Rose was saying how she wants to invite us to her house party this weekend. You weren’t responding.”

            Karkat glanced at Kanaya. Her face was pleading. He tried to fake a smile. “Sure. Sounds great. I’ll be there.”

            Jade frowned. “You’re acting strangely.” She looked at Dave, who also hadn’t said a word all lunch. “Both of you are. Did you guys have another fight?” She was sharp.

            Karkat tried to avoid the eventual confrontation with humor, “We are never not fighting Jade. My relationship with Strider is just one long contentious struggle.”

            Dave gave a short, cynical laugh. “That’s rich. Implying we have any kind of relationship at all.”

            Before Karkat could get another word in, the bell rang, signaling the end of lunch.

            By the end of the school day, Karkat felt just a little bad about his argument with Dave. Dave had actually been pretty understanding about his situation, accepting to tutor him and even faking a relationship to get his brother’s boyfriend to leave him be. He should have at least thanked him. And if Cronus ever got wind that they were anything less than a perfect couple, the plan would backfire. They needed to talk.

            He scanned the front school yard and noticed him starting to amble down the walk. He caught up with him. “Dave!”

            “Karkat.” He didn’t look down. Was he widening his strides? Damned long legs. Karkat tried to walk faster to keep up.

            “I need to talk with you.”

            His voice was monotone, “You sure you just don’t want to chew me out because you’ve completely misread our situation yet again?”

            He needed to apologize. “No! I-”

A car horn blared from the street. Dave and Karkat stopped walking. Kankri was waving from the driver’s side, but Karkat spotted Cronus’ profile in the passenger seat. A million different things were going through Karkat head. What was he going to do? He still hadn’t made up with Dave yet.

He stopped thinking as Dave subtly slipped his hand over his, his expression still noticeably pissed under his shades.

“Karkat!” Kankri called out to them. “My seminar got done early today and I don’t have any charity events to help with so I came to pick you up. Is that your tutor? Does he need a ride home?”

Cronus leaned forward to get a look at them, interest piqued. Karkat, at a loss for words, looked up at Dave for help.

Dave’s mouth split into a wolfish grin. “Oh, no. Don’t worry about me. I prefer walking. Let me just say goodbye to Karkat first.” He moved suddenly, resting a hand on Karkat’s hip and leaning down. Karkat instinctually flinched, closing his eyes. But Dave’s lips only briefly brushed over his cheek. The hand on his hip slid down a bit farther and it dawned on him that Dave was copping a feel. Before he could pull back, Karkat heard him whisper in his ear, “Not bad.”

Dave took a step back and waved to him, still smiling. “See you later, babe.” He started walking away.

Karkat, mind muddling, turned to see a gaping Kankri blankly staring at him. “ _Karkat!_ What kind of inappropriate behavior-”

“Aaaah!” Karkat fervently combed his fingers through his own hair. “Stop. Talking. And. Give. Me. A. Second.” He knelt down on the ground. His heart was going wild.

Oh no.

Oh _no_.

Oh _shit!_

“Karkat?”

He couldn’t

“Karkat!”

There was just no way.

“Karkat Vantas, get your ass in this car! You are holding up traffic!” A car behind Kankri honked. “Drive around!”

He stood up and got into the backseat.

Kankri sighed. “Honestly. You should know not to be so affectionate in public. It’s disgraceful.”

He couldn’t believe it.

There was no way.

 How had he allowed himself to develop feelings for Dave “there’s no such thing as love” Strider?

His phone buzzed. It was a text from Sollux.

“did dave strider just kiss you outside of the school??? When did you 2 start dating???”

“Fuck.”

“Karkat!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im so hella pumped. hope you enjoyed. still dont have a schedule for this thing tho. i just write it in my spare time.


	7. Trope Seven: The Almost Kiss

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one is soooo long. i should really do my homework.

            Monday was the next time Karkat had bio homework due. So Friday, Dave had met him in front of the school and, as soon as Karkat had laid eyes on him, his heart started doing kickflips. He mentally told his body to go fuck itself. That thought was followed with a rebuttal image of a Dave Strider induced masturbatory session. He was _so_ not amused by his internal dialogue.

            “You ready to head out yet or what?” Dave had been pretty stand-offish since they had last talked.

All everybody at their lunch table could talk about was hearing wind of Dave kissing Karkat on the cheek outside the school. After Karkat had refused to tell Sollux what had happened, he had apparently gone to John about it during band and the news had spread from there. The two in question refused to talk about it, neither denying nor confirming, just in case. Gossip got around fast in a small town. But their cageyness only made their friends more suspicious.

Karkat shifted his bag to a more comfortable position on his shoulder. “Yeah, I’m ready.”

Dave looked around before grabbing his hand.

Karkat jolted back but his arm was anchoring him in place. “W-we don’t have to hold hands _right_ now. Cronus isn’t even around.”

Dave nodded. “But your friend is.” He pointed behind Karkat.

Karkat turned his head and caught sight of Sollux snapping a pic on his iPhone.

“What the hell are you doing?!” Karkat raised his hands above his head as he yelled, yanking Dave’s up with his.

Sollux snickered. “I’m snapchatting, man. Gotta keep everyone up to date on your budding romance.”

Karkat grimaced. Okay , this wasn’t so bad. Karkat was pretty sure Sollux had Eridan on snapchat and, if he saw, Cronus was sure to hear about it too. It was still kind of embarrassing though.

He turned away and started walking. “Whatever, let’s just go.” Dave followed, easily keeping pace with him.

Halfway through their walk, Dave took back his hand. Cool air drifted into the empty space it left behind. “Damn. You’ve got some sweaty palms, bro. I think I’m pruning.” He wiped it on his shirt.

Karkat’s face flared up. “That’s not funny.” He started walking faster.

Dave caught up with him. “That’s it? No counter? Come on. Let’s see that Vantas clapback we all know and love in action.”

He frowned. “I’m not really feeling it today.”

“Are you sick?” There was just a little concern slipping into Dave’s voice that made Karkat’s knees go all wobbly for a few seconds.

“Sick of your shit,” Was all he could manage.

“Weeeeak,” Dave extended the vowel.

They finished the rest of their walk in an awkward silence.

Upon reaching the house, Karkat was relieved to find Cronus and his brother were nowhere to be found. Perhaps they were on a date?

He brought Dave into the living room and spread his stuff out on the coffee table. “Just sit down on the couch and I’ll get us some snacks. What do you want to drink?”

Dave made himself at home, plopping down without hesitation. “Do you have any apple juice?”

Karkat thought it over. “No. We have water, milk, and soda.”

“What kind of soda?”

“Coke.”

“Not Pepsi?” As if there was a difference, Dave contemplated it before answering, “Water’s fine.”

The worksheet was fairly easy and they finished in record time. Karkat had made Bagel Bites and they were chowing down on an entire box as a reward. He noticed Dave was eating them a little weird. Rather than biting into them, like a fucking normal person, he was scraping off the cheese with his teeth and eating the bagel part after.

“You have a problem?” He lifted up his shades to make eye contact. Shit. How long had Karkat been staring?

“No. You’re just kind of a freak is all.”

Dave laughed. “I’m sorry. What?”

Karkat pointed to the Bagel Bites still on the tray. “You aren’t eating them right.” He plucked one and held it up, demonstrating. “You bite into it, like so.”

Dave watched him, unimpressed. “One more thing we can add to the growing list of shit you need to have a certain way that I could give less of a damn about.”

He glared at Dave. “Why the hell do you always bring everything back to that? I mean, I don’t actually care how you live your life. You want meaningless relationships? Fine! You want to eat your fucking mini pizzas like you’re scraping off cream from an Oreo? Go ahead. No one’s stopping you. I’m just saying, it’ll be hard to find happiness that way.” He picked up another pizza bagel.

Before he could take a bite, Dave took his wrist and redirected the pizza into his mouth. He ate it in one bite, his teeth scraping against Karkat’s fingers as he closed his mouth. When he leaned back, there was a dab of sauce on the corner of his smile. He licked it away. “You’re right. Eating it that way did make me feel happier.”

Karkat jumped off the couch before he could really grasp what he was doing. Dave seemed surprised by his sudden movement but didn’t comment on it. Karkat quickly looked around for something to excuse his behavior. “I-uh… Wanna watch a movie?” He made his way to the CD rack standing next to the TV.

He sat down and, after rifling through a few, his pulse was beginning to return to normal. His hands were still shaky though and he almost dropped one of his prized possessions, _Titanic_ on BlueRay.

Then a shadow moved across the cover of one of the CD cases he was reading and Dave promptly squatted down next to him. “What kind of trashy romcom hell do you plan on making me sit through?”

Karkat leaned away from him. Close proximity was doing nothing to calm his nerves. He made a suggestion, “How about _Leap Year_?”

Dave peered over him to get a better view. His hair fell in front of his face. He was close enough that Karkat could smell his shampoo, a flowery smell. “Does that have anything to do with time travel? I’d be down for some sci-fi right now.”

“Yeah. There’s time travel,” Karkat deadpanned, “They travel one second per second into the future like everybody else. God. Do I look like I own any kind of sci-fi vids?”

“Nah. You look like you cry to Adam Sandler singing to the Beach Boys at the end of _Fifty First Dates_.” Dave pinched his cheek and wiggled.

Karkat swatted his hand away. “While that is an accurate statement, I’m pretty sure you meant that insultingly.”

“Wow. Cute and smart.”

“Fuck off. Now we have to watch _Never Been Kissed_.” Karkat reached for the copy he knew was on the very top slot of the rack. “In this household, if you mention Drew Barrymore or anything she was a part of, we automatically must watch her greatest masterpiece. It is law.”

Dave sighed. “What the fuck are you even talking about? She was in E.T. What’s more masterpaic than E.T.?”

“’Masterpaic?’ Did you just make that word up?”

“Irrelevant.” He got up and threw himself on the sofa again. “Whatever. Throw your feelings porn in and let’s get cozy up in this bitch.”

By the time Barrymore was standing in the baseball diamond waiting for her true love, Karkat was an absolute mess. He had a pillow clutched tightly to his chest, eyes glued to the screen, silently mouthing the countdown with the crowd.

Dave groaned. “This is too much.”

“3…”

“ _Seriously?_ What is so fucking special-”

“2…”

“about this one random chick-”

“1…”

“that’s never been kissed? Why are all these people invested in her love life? Why are _you?_ ”

Barrymore looks around, absolutely heartbroken. It dawns on her. No one is coming. Her love was not returned. Oh, but wait! There he is! The crowd is cheering! Here comes her true love.

“Karkat!”

“What?!” He tore his eyes away from the screen.

Dave’s head fell into his lap. He glared up at him. “I’m. Bored. And this,” He gestured to the TV, “Is horseshit. I can stomach this garbage no longer.”

Karkat slammed his pillow down on Dave’s face. “You _fucking asshole_! You made me miss her first kiss!”

Dave removed the pillow and tossed it to the floor. “Dude. It’s a movie. One I’m sure you’ve seen a billion times. Besides, it’s so unrealistic. I mean, how likely is it that a pretty girl like Barrymore can make it to the ripe old age of- how old was she again in this? Fuck, whatever, I wasn’t paying attention. But, like, nobody actually cares about somebody’s first kiss. Especially not that large audience they’ve got in the background. What the fuck is even with that? For someone with virgin lips, she sure as hell has some kind of exhibitionism kink.”

Karkat covered his ears. “Oh my god. Stop! Lalalalala! I can’t hear you! You will stop ruining my favorite movie at once!”

“Karkat.”

“Nope! Still can’t hear you!”

“Karkat…”

“Still not listening.”

Dave sat up and took his wrists in both of his hands, yanking them down. His face was nose to nose with Karkat’s. “Stop throwing a tantrum. I get it. I won’t make fun of your bullshit movie.” His breath tickled Karkat’s face when he spoke.

He couldn’t help it. His gaze flickered down, stopping at Dave’s mouth. Then his eyes flew back up to Dave’s in a panic.

There was no way he was thinking about kissing Dave.

Nope.

None.

Maybe.

Only for a second, he _might_ have thought about it.

Dave’s lids lowered a bit, his lashes casting shadows down his cheeks. They were pale, like his hair, so it was hard to tell, but, from this close, Karkat could see they were actually quite long.

And they were getting closer.

His whole face was.

Dave was leaning in.

Karkat’s breath hitched in his throat. He closed his eyes and waited.

The sound of the front door opening jarred them both into stopping short. Dave leaned back onto his side of the couch, dropping Karkat’s hands. Karkat let out a huge exhalation of relief. Dave slipped his arm casually over his shoulder just before Cronus peeked into the room.

Displeasure spread across his face as soon as he saw Dave. “Oh, it’s you again.”

Kankri followed him in. “Oh, Karkat. You didn’t say you were bringing company over today.”

Dave’s arm pulled him closer, pressing the sides of their hips together and causing Karkat’s head to loll onto his shoulder. Dave answered for him, “We were just watching a movie. Friday night is date night, right?”

Kankri looked bashfully up at an oblivious Cronus. “Why, yes. I suppose it is. Cronus and I just came back from dinner and we were planning on watching a movie as well.” Kankri looked at him expectantly for a reply.

Karkat needed to say something. _Anything._ But the words wouldn’t come out. Not with Dave so close and the almost kiss still playing on repeat in his head. Dave jumped in again, “Well, we just finished, so help yourselves. I was just about to head out.” He got up and, taking Karkat’s hand, took him with him. “Walk me down the walk, love?”

Karkat averted his eyes but nodded.

Dave pulled him past his brother and out the door. When it closed, he let go of his hand. “My god. You talk the talk but you sure don’t walk the walk.”

Anger flashed through Karkat. “I’m so sorry! I’ve never done anything like that before!”

Dave looked confused. “Wait-what? I was talking about your acting. Oh, man. You were referring to- Look, I was humoring you on the couch. You looked like you were asking to be kissed so I just-”

“I was _not!_ ” His voice rose indignantly.

Dave looked at him in disbelief. “No. You definitely were. I saw the way you ogled my lips. Don’t think that didn’t go unnoticed.”

“Oh my god. How full of yourself can you be? And, aside from that, what the hell? Do you always just kiss people who look like they want to be kissed?”  
            “No.” Dave’s mouth flat lined. “There’s gotta be at least a little attraction there.”

Karkat stood mouth-agape. He didn’t know what to say to that. “You’re attracted to me?”

Dave laughed. “I mean, obviously? I wouldn’t go this far for someone I _wasn’t_ attracted to.” He quickly added, “Doesn’t mean I’m romantically interested. Would definitely consider friends with benefits though.”

Karkat pulled at his hair. “Are you fucking _kidding_ me?!”

“Lower your voice!” Dave looked nervously at the house.

“ _Fuck_ you!”

“Woah-”

“You’re such an asshole! I can’t believe I’m-” He stopped himself.

Dave’s eyes widened behind his shades. “You’re what?”

“I can’t believe I’m going to be thrown in jail for murdering someone so abrasively stupid! Just leave! I can solve my own problems without your help! I don’t ever want to see you again!” His voice caught a little at the end. He desperately hoped he wouldn’t angry-cry.

“Fine!” Dave held his hands up in surrender. “Until Rose’s party then.”

Fuck. He had forgotten about that. “Maybe I’m not going!”

“Nah. You’ll go. You may be pissed at me, but you’re a good friend, so you’ll go to support Kanaya.”

Dammit. He was right.

Karkat glared daggers at him. “I hate you.”

“Yeah, I kind of doubt that.” Dave winked at him.

Karkat walked inside and slammed the door behind him, absolutely livid and in need of _at least_ a whole gallon of ice cream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you to everybody that's been leaving me such nice comments. you guys are so great. i usually like responding but i couldnt get around to talking with everyone last chapter cause of school and work. thanks for continuing to read this!


	8. Trope Eight: The High School Party

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EEEEVERYONE IS GOING TO HATE MEEEEEE

            Kanaya arrived at Karkat’s thirty minutes before the party on Saturday. She let herself in, said a polite greeting to Kankri, and then, after seeing Karkat in his shabbiest, most comfortable sweater, gave an insincere smile and tugged him back up to his room.

            She yanked him in and immediately started to rifle through his closet. “You aren’t wearing that.” He opened his mouth. “Don’t object.” He closed it, a little annoyed that she didn’t even have to see him to know he was about to argue. “Here.” She shoved a plain black, short-sleeved T and a pair of dark gray skinny jeans at him. “For the love of God. Remove that monstrosity this instant.”

            Karkat did as he was told. He pulled it over his head and handed it to her as he took the shirt. “It’s not that bad.”

            Kanaya wiggled a finger through a hole near the cuffs of one of the sleeves. Her face remained unimpressed.

            “One hole! Wow!”

            “There’s a coffee stain down near the front.”

            He groaned and put the shirt on. “It was hot chocolate actually.” He looked down at his arms and frowned. “I want to wear a jacket at least.”

            She slyly slipped the pants into his arms next. “Don’t you _dare_. It’s nice out tonight and you won’t need it. House parties get a little humid indoors, remember?” She stopped at the door, turning to throw in. “Plus, I know for a fact, you don’t have a jacket that isn’t worn to hell and back.” She closed the door to wait for him on the other side.

            Kanaya smiled at him when he finally left his room. She stepped closer and tousled his hair before observing her handiwork. “Stunning. You should dress up more often.”

            He shrugged.

            “And I’m sure Dave will think you look nice too.”

            He spluttered, “What?!”

            She tilted her head, confused. “Aren’t you two engaged in a relationship? Even though I didn’t think you initially got along well, I was under that impression. And Rose told me. Although, she sounded even more surprised than I was. Apparently, she thinks her cousin isn’t ready to handle a romantic relationship.”

            He mumbled under his breath, “Boy, if that isn’t accurate,” He quickly remedied, “I mean, he’s immature sometimes, but what relationship isn’t a little rocky, right?”

            Kanaya beamed at him. “That’s so very admirable, Karkat! I was afraid you would be incapable of compromising certain ideals of yours to fit with Dave’s personality, but you actually seem to be happy. I’m so proud of you.” Oh, God. Now he felt guilty.

            Arriving at the party, Kanaya parked her mom’s minivan on the dust road leading up to a large, modern-looking house somewhere near the outskirts of the city. It looked like a lot of the nearby area was forest, so the blaring music coming from inside was likely to disturb no one.

            Karkat jumped out. “Holy shit. Your girlfriend’s parents play the stock market or what?”

            Kanaya tutted at him. “Bringing up someone’s finances is rude.” She gave a secretive smile. “Her mother is a biologist, if you must know.”

            The front door was unlocked so they let themselves in. Karkat hadn’t known what to expect. A few social rejects standing, playing DND, and drinking maybe? But apparently Rose was kind of popular. The living room was a thriving mass of people jumping and dancing to the music. Someone had set up speakers and a set of turntables in the back, but the DJ was absent, letting a preplanned track play in their absence.

            “I’m going to go find Rose!” Kanaya spoke over the music.

            Karkat really didn’t want to be left alone, but he also didn’t feel like he could just follow his friend around the whole party, like he usually did. Part of being the amazing wingman that he was was learning when he had to fall back. He hoped his expression was encouraging. “Good luck.” Kanaya mouthed a quick ‘thank you’ and retreated into the crowd.

            When she was out of sight, Karkat skirted the edge of the room and managed to duck into the kitchen. John was pouring drinks and passing them out. He spotted Karkat and waved him over. People parted to let him through. “Karkat, you made it!” He handed him a cup of, what was most likely, watered down beer.

            Karkat took a sip from the cup and couldn’t help but make a face. He was never going to get used to the taste of alcohol. “Yeah, I guess I did.”

            John pointed to the dance floor. “Dave’s back in the other room, in case you were wondering.” He elbowed him and winked.

            Just managing to hold his tongue, Karkat tried to walk back into the room he’d come from. He bumped into somebody and almost spilled his drink. A hand slipped over his to catch it and suddenly he was staring up at an equally surprised, wide-eyed Dave, shades hooked into the collar of a white T.

            John whistled and pointed at them, addressing the crowd. “That’s called serendipity, folks!” The people lining up for drinks clapped and laughed, buzzed and absolutely clueless as to what they were cheering for.

            Karkat whipped around to glare at him, but, before he could break John in two, Dave hooked an arm around his waist and led him out of the kitchen. He leaned down and spoke just audible enough for Karkat to hear, “Maybe don’t throw the whole plan out the window because of some light teasing? John’s just an excitable dork. Let him have his fun.”

            Karkat simmered. He took a few gulps from his cup before he let himself say anything, “You forgot to get a drink in there.”

            Dave chuckled. “I left my cup with Rose. I went in there for you. Kanaya showed up where we were hanging out and told me you’d probably locate the booze first and foremost.”

            Karkat scanned the room for her now. “I don’t really like crowds. If I have to endure this, I might as well be snockered for it.”

            Dave contemplated his reasoning. “Fair. The music is good at least right?”

            Karkat nodded. “Yeah. It’s got a nice baseline. Makes your whole body thrum with it.”

            Dave smiled. “Thanks.”

Karkat gave him a confused look.

Dave clarified, “I’m the D.J.”

            Karkat shoved his shoulder. “I can’t believe you just fished for compliments like that! You know what? Fuck you. I just decided I actually hate it.”

            “You were tapping your foot not five seconds ago.”

            “I can change my mind. It’s allowed.”

            Dave led him over to the couch where Rose, Kanaya, and Jade were already sitting down, chatting. Kanaya had a hand entwined with Rose’s, resting them on her knee. Dave took a seat and patted his lap. Everyone waited, watching expectantly.

Oh. Right. Dating.

He plopped down on Dave, none too gently, earning an “Oof!” from under him.

            Karkat finished the last of what was in his cup. He picked up another, a half-full one that somebody had left on the coffee table, Dave’s most likely. “So the group that threw the huge, extravagant party doesn’t even join the festivities? How is this any different from you guys sitting with each other at lunch?” He took a sip from the new cup. He grimaced. Vodka.

            Dave snorted at his expression of distaste.

            The corners of Rose’s eyes crinkled as she grinned. “Oh, but we _are_ engaging in the festivities. We are currently waiting for our turn in the closet.”

            Karkat cocked a brow. Kanaya didn’t say anything, only blushing and looking away bashfully.

            Dave leaned forward and rested his chin on his shoulder to speak in his ear, “They’re playing seven minutes in heaven.”

            Karkat choked on his drink. “O-oh.”

            Rose’s eyes were predatory. “You two are welcome to go before us, of course.”

            Karkat looked down in his now empty cup, mind muddled and no longer coherent enough to think of a good excuse to avoid the situation.

            Without warning, Dave hooked an arm under his legs and stood up, holding Karkat delicately in his arms. “No need, Lalonde. I’m just gonna take Karkat up to my room. How could you expect me to spend only seven minutes mackin on him? Sounds more like torture.”

            Rose put a finger to her mouth coyly. “Enjoy then.”

            Karkat remained still as death as Dave carried him up the stairs and down a long hallway. He stopped outside a door and pushed his way inside. When the door was closed behind them, without hesitation, Dave dropped him squarely on his rump.

            “You son of a bitch!” Karkat watched him as he crossed the room and flopped onto a bed. He remained face-down on the mattress. Karkat rose to his feet and walked around the room, examining the decor. There was a perfectly good bookshelf, wrongly being used to display dead things in jars. And something like a million photographs lined the walls, some selfies, some actually taken for aesthetical reasons.

            “Don’t touch my shit.” Karkat whipped around to see Dave had turned his head to keep an eye on him.

            “I was just looking.” Karkat folded his arms. “Why do you have your own room? Isn’t this Lalonde’s house?”

            “I live here too.” He sat up. Karkat took that as an invitation to take a seat next to him.

            “Why?” He pressed.

            Dave sighed. “That’s not really any of your business.”

            “Not even for ‘friends with benefits’?” He teased.

            Dave huffed. “Are we even friends? I thought you hated me. And, just so we’re clear, even if we were friends with benefits, that doesn’t give you any leverage. You must be at friendship tier five to unlock my tragic backstory.”

            “What tier are we on now?” Karkat leaned forward, curious. He swayed a bit.

            Dave’s eyes trailed down his face, stopped at his lips, then went further. When they snapped back up, he looked troubled. “I don’t know. Three maybe?”

            Karkat groaned, “ _What?_ ” He threw himself across the bed, hanging his feet off the edge. “You can’t almost kiss someone and then not be _at least_ tier four right?”

            “I made the tiers. I define their meaning.”

            Karkat peeked up at him. “What tier is romance on? Since you regard love as something that has less value than lust it’s probably higher up, right?” He might have slurred a bit.

            Suddenly, Dave’s face hovered above him, body leaning over his, glasses dangling low enough to rest on Karkat’s chest. “Why do you wanna know? You plan on climbing my tiers?

            Karkat almost kissed him. He wanted to. _Really_ wanted to. Dave was just smiling down at him, so ready, and so seductive.

But it would have been meaningless.

Instead, he reigned in his rampant teenage hormones and changed the topic, “Why don’t you believe in love?”

Dave frowned and pulled back. “ _Really?_ And you were doin so well too. I actually thought you might have given in for a second there. I already told you, Vantas. Tier five is my tragic-”

“I’m _so sorry_!” Karkat had absolutely no volume control. “As you’ve made it a point to mention far too often, _I’m wired this way_. So, forgive me for wanting to know.”

Dave’s voice rose to meet his, frustrated and heated in a way that only alcohol could make a person, “Why? What does it matter? As soon as your brother’s boyfriend decides he’s been cockblocked enough times, this relationship ends, remember?”

But he didn’t _want_ it to end. “I want to know because I-!”

Dave put a hand over his mouth. “Don’t say it.” Karkat glared at him. “I’m gonna remove my hand and you will not say what I’m afraid you were gonna say.”

Karkat rolled his eyes but nodded. Dave took back his hand. Karkat pouted. “You’re not fair. Flirting without consequences.”

Dave ran his fingers through his hair. “Look, if you promise to drop that particular subject, I’ll… make an exception and tell you why I’m living here. Actually, maybe doing that’ll help you get why you shouldn’t have expectations for me.”

Karkat huffed. _Fat fucking chance._

“Okay…” Dave took a deep breath before he began, “There really isn’t any good way to pace everything I’m about to drop on you so I’ll be blunt. My parents died in a car crash when I was really young. And,” He quickly added, “before you start to feel bad or unleash the waterworks, cause I can see it in your sad, drunken, silly face, I don’t really remember them all that much. So I don’t actually care, to be honest.” He looked grave suddenly. “But my Bro did. I have a brother who tried raising me after that. Personality-wise, he was… eccentric, to say the least. He had to drop out of college and start working to support us. We had both grown up in Texas and he didn’t want to move, so we didn’t have a whole lot of help from relatives aside from money being sent from my aunt Roxy, Rose’s mom, every so often. I think my Bro might have… blamed me a little that he couldn’t continue goin to school.”

He was quiet for a few moments. The room shook with the distant base of the music pumping up from the floor.

            He took another deep breath. “The more you love someone, the more power they wield over you. They can really hurt you.”

            “What did he do to you?” Karkat pulled a pillow up to his chest, as if pressing it there could slow the sinking feeling in his stomach.

            Dave shrugged. “He was violent. After a particularly bad scrap, my aunt visited, and saw my injuries. I had to move here and I’m not allowed to see him anymore.”

            Karkat couldn’t help it. It was in the way Dave stared pensively at his folded hands. It was in the hunch of his back, the coiled up tension of his shoulders, the light dusting of red on his cheeks. Karkat reached out to hug him.

            But Dave moved quickly, grabbing his outstretched arms and holding him back. “Oh, no you don’t. Christ. No. Stop that. Stop crying!”

            Was he crying? When did that happen? “I can’t-” He hiccupped, “-can’t  help it.”

            “You’re gonna have to help it. All you need to be getting from this new information is that I can’t give you what you want. And it’s not just romance. Love in general is a load of bullshit. It means nothing.”

            Karkat got up off the bed. “So you plan on hurting people that love you just because you’re scared to love them?!”

            Dave stared at him open-mouthed. He shut it and averted his eyes.

            “You’re a coward. Making me feel things and then putting up a guard. You’re just hurting people in the same way you’ve been hurt.”

            Dave gritted his teeth. “Like you have any idea what it’s actually like to have someone that close to you flip on you!” He got up and stood over Karkat, intimidatingly. “To betray you!” His eyes were filled with pain but his smile was malicious. His gaze flickered down to Karkat’s lips. “But if you want to know that badly...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 8')  
> *sitting in a room on fire*  
> "this is fine."


	9. Trope Nine: The Slap That Could Be Heard Around The World

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Fucking cliffhangers!" they yell.  
> none of you can stop me from sinning.

            Dave didn’t kiss him.

Hadn’t even leaned in to kiss him.

But just the threat of him betraying Karkat’s trust by stealing his first kiss was enough to drive his hand across the air and make swift contact with Dave’s cheek. The sound of the slap resounded throughout the room, a red handprint already starting to form on his face.

            The tears rolling down Karkat’s cheeks wouldn’t stop falling as he pinned Dave down with a fierce glare. Dave looked shell-shocked at first, eyes wide and mouth slightly open. Then his brow furrowed and he continued to stare off into space, expression wounded but otherwise unreadable.

            After the moment of high tension wore off, Karkat cleared his throat, “I’m going home now.” He made a move for the door, but Dave caught his wrist. Karkat yanked it out of his grip and reared on him. “ _What?!_ ”

            Dave held his hands up defensively. “You’re going to attract attention going out looking like that. Your eyes are swollen.”

            Karkat rubbed away some of the dampness coating his cheek. “I honestly don’t give a flying fuck right now.”

            Dave frowned and walked over to his closet. He pulled out a maroon colored hoodie and tossed it to him. Karkat caught it. “You can wear that and put the hood up… Wait. How did you plan on getting home?”

            Karkat slipped the hoodie on and winced when his nose was aggressed with the warm, sweet smell of Dave. Guess that nice scent wasn’t just his shampoo. “I’m going to walk.”

            Dave shook his head. “Like _hell_ you are. Do you know how far away we are from your house? Plus, you’re drunk. It would be irresponsible of me to let you go.”

            “Well, I’m _not_ bothering Kanaya and I’m _not_ spending the night here!” He snapped, unyielding in his resolve.

            Dave pulled out a pair of keys from his pocket. “I’ll drive you.”

            Karkat scoffed. “And you want to lecture me about being irresponsible? You shouldn’t drive under the influence.”

            Dave’s frown deepened. “I’m not. I had a small sip early on from my cup, which you then commandeered and proceeded to down like a fucking champ. That was the only thing I’ve had all night. Besides,” A hand flew up to gently cover the mark on his cheek, “that blow you delivered sobered up any part of me that was even remotely thinking about being tipsy.” When Karkat didn’t respond, he tacked on, “Just accept the damn ride so I don’t feel like a _total_ jackass tonight.”

            Karkat flipped the hood up and pulled the strings to tighten it. “Whatever helps you sleep at night, I guess.” He gestured to the door. “Lead the way.”

            Dave moved past him and guided them back through the house. They turned into a room just before the kitchen and entered a small study. There was a couple making out vigorously in a leather chair behind a very official looking desk. Dave ignored them completely, opening a door to another room and bringing them into the garage. Karkat caught sight of his red pick-up truck.

            “Hop in.” Dave unlocked the doors.

            Karkat thought about getting in the back seat just to spite him, but that would have been immature, and he was suddenly too exhausted to act like a shithead. He climbed into the passenger’s seat and waited for Dave to get in.

            Despite the fifteen minute drive, Karkat almost managed to fall asleep. He was just so tired. Tired from drinking. Tired from the crowds and social interactions. Tired from raising his voice and crying. And tired from having to deal with his feelings for Dave. He wanted nothing more than to crawl into bed and sleep for the rest of the weekend.

Or maybe for the rest of eternity.

            Dave pulled to a stop in front of his house, parking the car. He sighed and leaned back into his seat, hands still gripping the wheel. Only a little tension fell from his shoulders when he loosened his grasp. “This is your stop.”

            Karkat didn’t say a word, nodding and opening the door.

            Dave looked uncomfortable. Karkat derived a little satisfaction from that. “You’re bein kind of quiet now.”

            Karkat jumped out and closed the door. He walked in front of the car to get to the sidewalk.

            “Hey,” Dave called hesitantly out from his window.

            Karkat turned around, not even the slightest bit interested in anything other than sleep at the moment.

            Dave stammered, “Um… well… good night?”

            A few new tears sprung up and stung at Karkat’s eyes. He blinked and they fell away, leaving fresh streaks down his face. Dave looked at him helplessly.

            Without giving a response, Karkat turned on his heal and stumbled up his walk. He entered his house and slammed the door after him.

            He stood there for a moment. Drunk, sleepy, and hating himself with every passing second. _God!_ He had been so _stupid!_ Dave had been preemptively rejecting him time and time again and he _still_ fell in love with him. _What was wrong with him?_

            After a while, self-loathing and sadness was replaced with irrational anger. He screamed, a frustrated, growl-like noise coming from his throat. He stomped through the entryway and turned up the steps, trying to remove the hoodie as he went. “ _Fuck_ Dave Strider!” He kicked open his door. “ _Fuck_ his smug and charming face!” He threw the hoodie across the floor. “ _Fuck_ his mixed messages!” He was suddenly very cold without the extra layer. Quietly, and through wracked sobs, he got the last of his fury out, “And _fuck_ that asshole brother of his…”

            His door creaked open. “Trouble in paradise?” Karkat whipped around. Cronus was leaning in his doorway.

            His heart thrummed loudly in his chest. Every inch of him was suddenly alight with the feeling of fear. Karkat backed up until he felt the back of his knees hit the bed. “Why are _you_ here? Where’s Kankri?”

            Cronus sauntered in. “Your brother has a youth lock-in at the church that he’s helping out with tonight. I asked him if I could stay over, since my old man brought back a lady friend of his and I didn’t want to be a disturbance.”

But apparently disturbing Karkat’s household was just fine.

“I didn’t expect you to be back tonight.” His smile made Karkat’s skin crawl. “Lucky me, I guess.”

            Karkat gave a cursory glance to his window. His mind was yelling at him.

_Get out!_

_Run!_

If he could just make a leap for it. His eyes flickered between Cronus and the window a few more times. Then he sprung for it and Cronus was in front of him in seconds, blocking his only path to freedom. Uncoordinated and inebriated he fell back against the bed. Cronus got on top of him, pinning his legs and arms down. “Uh oh. Can’t run away or kick me in the balls today, can you?”

            Karkat opened his mouth to scream but Cronus’ hand slapped down on his jaw before he could get any noise out.

            “You’re not gonna wanna do that.”

            Karkat’s eyes flitted about until they landed somewhere across the room, fixating on the hoodie. His eyes prickled.

            Cronus noticed his line of sight. “That your boyfriend’s?”

            Karkat stared daggers up at him.

            “Well, from what I heard, he’s your ex now. Isn’t that right?” Karkat struggled in vain. Cronus huffed. “Calm down. Look. Aren’t I being a nice guy by comforting you?” He leaned down, lips slightly pursed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that was a pretty short chapter but the last two were really long so who actually cares about consistency.


	10. Trope Ten: A Change of Perspective and Heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 8')  
> deploys a pyscheout

            Dave first noticed Karkat Vantas in his sophomore year. His first year away from his brother. His first year in coping with a new school, new environment, and new family. They had gym together. He was the try-hard that wasn’t actually all that good. He got emotional and threw fits. His friends would pat his head and tell him to simmer down. He was _not_ supposed to be someone Dave might want to befriend.

            But he was also hard not to look at.

Karkat drew attention, whether he meant to or not. He would raise his voice, wave his arms, and make scenes like no one else could. He was prickly and, with his demeanor, there should have been no real reason for him to be able to make friends and keep them.

But he did.

And his friends loved him. Dave figured they had to for them to be able to deal with all the visceral bullshit that came out of his mouth. But despite the way he talked, the most confusing thing to Dave was how Karkat very obviously loved them all back. And he couldn’t even begin to understand that.

            After sophomore year, Karkat Vantas was on his radar big time. Dave’s eyes would trail him in the lunch room. He’d see him in the halls and feel comfortable sneaking glances, safely behind his shades. It wasn’t long before he realized he might actually have to start questioning his sexuality.

            But even after coming to terms with his attraction to many a gender on the spectrum, he swore to himself that he just wouldn’t get involved. Love wasn’t in the cards for Dave Strider and, if he could help it, he’d try to stay away from anything having to do with it. That especially included Karkat Vantas.

            Up until senior year when he became an accidental witness to the guy shimmying down a tree from his roof.

            Karkat just seemed to make splashes wherever he went.

            It was hard to just ignore him and leave him there. Dave had stood by, watching him argue with someone standing in his window. He couldn’t help but feel a little empathetic, especially  for someone obviously struggling with their home life.

And it was raining.

And he wasn’t wearing shoes.

And the way his usually wild hair fell down over his face, soaked and dripping...

            So Dave lent him his umbrella.

            Not a big deal.

            He was just being friendly.

            He was also slightly amused to find out during this exchange that Karkat Vantas, the loudest, most creative insult machine, was actually a total romantic sap. That amusement was then followed by pure dread. Could his gesture be interpreted as romantic? Was Karkat going to make a big deal out of it? If he _were_ to get close to someone like Karkat, there would be no way he’d ever be able to escape. Karkat was stubborn, cared deeply about everyone and everything, and was hard not to adore. He’d be setting himself up for heartache the moment Karkat decided he didn’t want him around.

            So he made himself clear.

            He’d snuffed out any and all flames before they had even been lit. He would avoid Karkat Vantas for the rest of his life if he had to.

            And then that only lasted a day.

            He regretted doodling in Bio. Ms. Dams had it in for him since the frog incident and now he had to face karma head on. He left the classroom that day before Karkat could ask him his number or talk to him in general.

            But fate had other plans and apparently his stars were not in alignment because lately his cousin, Rose, was fond of playing footsie with the only friend Karkat shared lunch with. Naturally, he had to tag along and sit with them too.

            Under the curious and scrutinizing eyes of his friends, how was Dave going to reject the tutoring position? So he relented some and gave Karkat his phone number. But he couldn’t just give without some take. If he would surrender ground one way, he needed to create some distance between them in another.

            So he pushed him a little far.

            Bickering turned into a full blown argument. Karkat blew up, as Dave had seen him do so before. But it was different when his fury was turned on Dave. He got emotional and red. And Dave, well.

            Dave got flustered.

            His face had heated up, his heart hammering in his chest. He should _not_ be thinking of Karkat’s frowning lips being crushed underneath his while he was getting yelled at.

            And then Karkat walked out and Dave was scared.

            He didn’t want to be hated by Karkat. That might have been worse than not being able to interact with him at all.

            So he conceded a little more ground.

            He sent him a text, told him he’d tutor him, tried to be aloof and maybe a little suggestive. There were some words exchanged about his experience in bed, of which, he actually had none. He hoped his words were playful but without feeling. Willing but stand-offish. A perfect blend of casual but uncaring. A mask. All in all, he ended their talk that night with a smile on his face.

            But the tutoring session was torturous. He’d never felt so awkward around another person before. Karkat was smart and didn’t actually need his help. He mostly just sat there and watched him work, Karkat’s brow furrowing adorably. He would tap the eraser end of his pencil to his lips in thought. Watching was hellish.

            And then his pain tripled when he discovered why Karkat had wanted him there.

Turned out, his home life was currently a shitshow. Karkat had _used_ him. He was only there to distract his brother’s boyfriend from putting the moves on him. There was a dull ache in his heart that had no right to even be there, because what expectations did he even allow himself to have?

            And then Dave saw how scared he was, how he wasn’t holding up well against Cronus’ advances. And, despite knowing how much it would fucking hurt, Dave decided to protect him. Against his better judgement, he followed Karkat’s plan. He’d play the fake boyfriend role. He’d scare the brother’s boyfriend away. And he’d try _very_ desperately not to fall for the person he was protecting.

            And it just. Wasn’t. Working. Every time they’d get close, he’d want to kiss him. Wanted to press his lips against Karkat’s. Wanted to know if they were really as soft and warm as they looked.

            But he didn’t.

            He held himself back.

            Because Karkat’s first kiss was special.

            And he didn’t want to take that from him.

            He had no right to it because he couldn’t commit.

            So he kissed his cheek on their walk home and he played off their movie date fiasco as Karkat giving him bedroom eyes. But he couldn’t bring himself to actually do it.

He just couldn’t hurt Karkat like that.

            But he could threaten to.

            It was his last ditch effort.

            Never was it expected that Karkat Vantas would fall for him and try to confess first. Panicked, Dave eventually did the only thing he could do that would stop all the feelings from cascading out of his control.

            He tried to make Karkat hate him.

            The slap had stung. And with every nerve on his cheek tingling in pain, he willed himself to remain calm. If Karkat could see he was unaffected, maybe he’d get fed up and realize Dave wasn’t worth it.

            But then Karkat was crying.

Karkat was a mess.

            And everything in Dave was breaking down.

            He couldn’t leave Karkat to stumble drunkenly home by himself. He needed to at least make sure he was safe.

            And then he finally got what he wanted.

            Karkat had stopped talking to him. Wasn’t acting like he hated him. Assuredly, wasn’t loving him. For the first time since Dave took notice of him, Karkat Vantas was quiet.

            And it felt like hell.

            And now he was in his car, parked in front of Karkat’s house, thumping his head repeatedly on the top of the steering wheel because he had hurt himself more than anyone else he loved ever possibly could.

            “I’m a fucking idiot... Congratulations,” He mumbled under his breath, “You played yourself.”

            He sighed and checked his rearview, ready to pull away.

He stilled.

There was a black Chevy parked behind him. He looked around. No Buick in sight. Karkat’s brother wasn’t home. Why was his boyfriend’s car there?

            He turned his truck off and removed the keys.

            He had a sickening feeling rearing in his gut.

            He got out and walked up to the house. Dave tried the knob. In his haste to slam it, Karkat must have left it unlocked. He stepped inside.

            The downstairs was dark and, for a riled up teenager to be home, it was suspiciously quiet. He passed by the living room. No Karkat. He found the stairs. The bottom step creaked. He continued with softer footsteps.

            He stopped outside of Karkat’s room. There were shuffling noises coming from inside. Dave paused. Karkat was probably curled up in his bed, angry and in no mood for Dave interrupting his sleep.

            He turned around, ready to leave the way he came.

            He stopped himself again, suddenly disgusted with himself.

            He couldn’t just leave it like this. He needed to apologize. He needed to face Karkat.

            He needed to tell him he loved him.

            With a shaky resolve he pushed opened the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you can all beat me up now. i'll be in the acme parking lot waiting behind the dumpster.


	11. Trope Eleven: First Kiss

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let the record show that i am NOT in fact a complete masochist. i still like happy endings.

            At first, Karkat found himself staring wide-eyed up at a slowly encroaching Cronus.

            Then, it was the dark insides of his eyelids as he squeezed his peepers shut.

            And, finally, upon opening them, he could only see the plain white of his ceiling as the heavy weight of another person was yanked off of him.

            He bolted upright just in time to see Dave pull Cronus off of him by his shirt collar, swinging him around to slam his fist into his face. He watched, absolutely flabbergasted as Cronus staggered back, lip cut and bleeding. He touched his face and watched his hand come back red. He sneered at Dave.

            “Motherfucker!” He swung and missed as Dave ducked to the side. He was less lucky in avoiding the second punch thrown, as it slammed into his nose. It started to drip, little drops of scarlet hitting the wooden floor.

Dave put his fists up and blocked the next swing, before going in for another strike. He clipped Cronus’ chin.

Seeing Dave’s face, smeared with blood stirred Karkat to leap into a standing position. He looked around his room. What was he going to do? Dave was hurt. He was in trouble.

Cronus stepped back and bumped his desk, scattering books and papers from its surface and onto the floor.

_And they were trashing his room._

Karkat’s eyes continued to sweep the area for anything he could use. He saw a folding chair leaning at the foot of his bed that he usually pulled out for company. He reached over and hulled it onto the bed with him.

Dave and Cronus were now gripping each other’s’ shirts, still wailing on their faces as they exchanged punches. Karkat raised the chair and swung. The metal clanged as it made contact with the back of Cronus’ head, the legs sending vibrations down Karkat’s arms.

Dave released Cronus’ shirt, a little shocked. Cronus teetered one step forward before he collapsed.

They stood there for a moment, panting and watching the downed body for movement in the ensuing silence.

Finally, Dave cleared his throat to speak, “You, um... You pick that up from watching _Smackdown_ , or what?”

Karkat threw the chair down and ran his fingers through his hair. “Oh my God _. OH MY GOD_. Did I kill him? Is he _dead_?”

“I could kick him and see if he grunts.”

Karkat ignored the comment and moved to take down his large wall mirror. “Help me hold this up to his face.”

Dave clicked his tongue but obeyed.

They lowered it in front of Cronus’ mouth. Before Karkat could tell if the glass was fogging up, Dave let it slip from his hands, “Oops.” It smacked Cronus in the head. Karkat glared at him. Dave picked it back up. “Sorry. Just trying to lighten the mood.”

“ _After_ I find out if I’m going to jail please.” Karkat angled the mirror again. The glass in front of his mouth became clouded. He was still breathing. Nothing important had rattled loose.

Probably.

Karkat sighed in relief. He placed the mirror onto his bed. “I need to get him out of my house.” He looked at Dave hintingly.

Dave frowned. “I don’t really feel like touching an almost dead guy.”

“He’s not dead! He’s still kickin!” Karkat made doe eyes, sacrificing a little dignity, _“Please?_ ”

Dave’s brow furrowed but he complied. “Goddammit.” He dragged Cronus around until he was safely perched on his back.

Karkat stood up with him. “I’ll spot you from behind in case he starts to fall.”

Dave nodded. “Good idea. I might _accidentally_ drop him down the stairs.”

“Don’t you dare!”

“Relax! Relax! I was just joking.” He paused. “Mostly.”

They made it past the front door, Dave carrying him outside. He stopped on the lawn and flung him off, none too gently, from his back. Cronus’ body made a thudding noise as it hit the ground, where he remained unmoving.

Dave wiped his hands together. “The trash has been taken out.” He turned to Karkat smiling. Blood still coated the bottom part of his face. “Any other chores this handy man can do for you?”

Karkat pointed to his house. “You can get your ass inside so I can stop your brains from leaking out.”

Dave sighed but relented. “Alright, Nightingale. Let’s play doctor then.”

Karkat led him inside and settled them in the kitchen. He pulled up a stool and had Dave sit down. The first thing he did was pat away the excess blood with a wash cloth. As the red smears came off, the beginnings of a few new bruises started making their existence known.

He was hyper aware of the way Dave’s eyes stayed on his face as he worked. Maybe Karkat was too close? He sort of needed to be to see what he was doing.

When Dave’s face was clean, he handed him a box of tissues. “Get pluggin.”

Dave snorted. “Eloquent.” He twisted up and shoved two up his nostrils. “At least it’s not broken.”

“How can you tell?” Karkat was still a little nervous that they might have to make an emergency trip to the hospital.

Dave touched the bridge of his nose and winced. “Because I know what a broken nose feels like. Doesn’t hurt as bad as all that.”

Oh. Right.

With the threat of Cronus gone and Dave all patched up, Karkat allowed himself to come down from the adrenaline that had been pulsing through him. He was suddenly very tired and a little shaky. And all the emotions of the night were creeping up on him at once. But he didn’t want to cry again. He’d already cried so much.

Dave seemed to notice his change in demeanor. He held his hand out hesitantly, as if he wanted to comfort him. But his face looked conflicted.

Karkat didn’t give him time to take back his hand. He wanted the comfort. _Needed_ it. He wrapped his arms around Dave’s neck and pulled himself against him. Dave went rigid, but, as he slowly brought his hands up to reciprocate the hug, his body melted into the embrace.

Dave’s low voice whispered in his ear, “Are you okay?”

Karkat shook his head in the crook of Dave’s neck.

Dave sighed. “Were you scared?”

He nodded.

One of Dave’s hands rubbed soothing circles into his back, while the other wound its way into his hair. “Shit...” Dave leaned him back and tilted his head up. He brought their lips together.

It was gross and weird. Dave’s nose tissues tickled Karkat’s upper lip and Karkat’s tears made it unnecessarily cold and wet. But he could care less. His body softened in Dave’s arms and he felt Dave’s heat spread to him.

Karkat’s first kiss may not have been like he had expected it to be, or even what he _wanted_ it to be, but, in the moment, it was sedative and immensely satisfying. It was exactly what Karkat needed right now.

Because it was _Dave_. Because _Dave’s_ hands were touching him. And _Dave’s_ mouth was parting against his. _Dave’s_ tongue was slipping inside and chasing the small noise of pleasure that he had accidentally let escape.

When they broke apart, Karkat stared at the floor, contemplating what his next move should be. Dave had kissed him. Had taken his first kiss.

Another, more malicious thought crept in.

_He had made good on his earlier threat._

His voice was heavy with emotion when he tried to speak, “Why… _Why_ would you do that?”

            He was raising a hand to cover his mouth when Dave grabbed it and pulled it back down. He rubbed at the palm, expression agitated. “Don’t freak out. _Please_ don’t freak out. I… I wouldn’t have done that if I didn’t- I mean, I know it’s special to you so I wouldn’t have kissed you if _I_ didn’t-” His face was growing red. He brought up Karkat’s hand and kissed his knuckles. He murmured into his skin, “I came back to tell you ‘I love you’.”

            “Liar.” The accusation was out without a second thought. There was just no way. He had been so against it only an hour earlier.

            Dave looked scared. “I’m not lying. I’ve loved you for a while now, I think.”

            Karkat pulled his hand away and stepped back. He pressed himself up against his kitchen counter. “I don’t believe you.”

            Dave’s voice rose as he became more distressed, “How am I supposed to prove it then?”

            Karkat averted his eyes, looking around for something that might provide him with an idea. “I don’t know.” He looked back at him. “How about answering ‘why?’”

            Dave muttered a curse under his breath and rubbed at the back of his head. When he looked up, Karkat noticed his cheek was starting to swell. “Okay, but you have to go after me, because I can’t be the only one pouring my heart out here.”

            Karkat huffed and folded his arms. “As if I haven’t been in that position for the past week.”

            Dave disregarded the barb and took a deep breath. “I’ve probably liked you since sophomore year.”

            “Bullshit!” Karkat slammed his fist down on the countertop.

            “Let me finish!” Dave was flustered but he stormed ahead, “I already knew who you were long before I was supposed to be your tutor.” Karkat suddenly recalled Dave knowing his name when they had first met. A little bit of his anger died down. “I saw you and you were just… _really_ good at getting people to like you and you didn’t even have to try. I mean, you can cuss someone out and they’ll still fawn all over you.”

            Karkat looked at him in disbelief. “And _that’s_ why you… _like me?_ ”

            “Well, no. It’s just… really refreshing seeing someone be so out there with their feelings all the time and still be able to maintain a lot of close relationships? I mean, it puts you in a position to be easily fucked over, if anyone ever decides to hurt you, and, I guess, what I’m saying is… I think you’re very brave.” He was red to his ear tips. “Okay, so that was me in the hot spot. Your turn.”

            “Uh…” Karkat felt his own face heat up. He guessed he would have to. Dave didn’t look too comfortable sitting there with his heart on his sleeve all by himself. He had probably never been this honest or open with other people before. He swallowed. “I like you because you’re really kind.”

            Now it was Dave’s turn to call bullshit, “Are you fucking serious? I have been the absolute worst human being imaginable this past week in an attempt to sabotage our relationship. There is no way you can think I am anything other than a one-hundred percent, bonafide douchebag.”

            Karkat rolled his eyes. “Well, if you’d shut your incessant drivel hole for five seconds, you’d be able to hear my explanation for how I drew that conclusion.”

            Dave closed his mouth and pretended to zip his lips.

            Karkat began again, “You’re always helping me out. Even when you get fed up, you still don’t abandon me. You could have left me to figure shit out on my own a bunch of times. I don’t know why you didn’t, or, I guess,” Karkat peeked up at Dave as the realization hit him, “I guess now I do.”

            A small smile made its way onto Dave’s face. “So you believe me?”

            Karkat took in the sight of Dave sitting there on the stool. He was an absolute mess, hair, out of place, face, a mishmash of blues, purples, and reds. But he was nervously watching him with the ridiculous grin on his face that made Karkat’s chest flutter in the most awful of ways. “Yeah…  I guess I do.”

            Dave pushed himself off of the stool and closed the distance between them. He settled his hands on the counter, on either side of Karkat, and hastily meshed their mouths together again. It was, surprisingly, less sloppy this time and more fervent, more needy, as if Dave wanted nothing more than to confirm Karkat was really in love with him.

            Karkat returned the kiss just as willingly, happily giving Dave that peace of mind.

            Yes, he still loved him.

            No, he would never try to hurt or leave him.

            Dave pushed flush against him and Karkat gasped. Dave scooped him up and sat him on the counter. He broke the kiss and they paused to exchange warm breaths between them. Dave cleared his throat. “So, when does your dad get back home?”

            Karkat’s head was spinning. “Not until the wee hours of the morning.” He gave a tentative smile. “Why? You want to spend the night?”

            Dave laughed. “Well, I’m not really in any shape to drive home tonight. Plus, you have that douche canoe still outside.”

            Karkat’s eyes darted to the stairs. He nodded in the direction. “You know where my room is.”

            Dave’s smile was like sunshine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter will be nsfw. might take longer to get it out though but hopefully not too long.


	12. Trope Twelve: Happy. Even After.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> nsfw chap. im in the middle of finals so i thought it was the perfect time to procrastinate studying, right?

Dave gently slid Karkat back onto the bed, eyes flickering frantically over his face. He looked a bit flushed, mind stalling as he hovered above him. “You okay?” Karkat tried to prompt him into moving again.

He smiled shyly. “Yeah, um. Sorry. It’s just…” He swallowed. “I don’t think we should go all the way if you’re still drunk.”

A kind of itchy feeling pulled at Karkat’s chest. He pouted, jutting out his bottom lip. “I’m totally sober enough to make this decision. Promise. No later regrets.” Karkat slid his arms around Dave’s neck to pull him closer. “Besides, you’ve already done it with other people, right? And I… I want to be that close to you too.”

Dave’s mouth thinned out into a line and his eyes lit up with surprise. He shook his head frantically. “ _What?_ No no no no no. I’ve never gone beyond kissing before.”

Karkat stared up at him gaping. “But… I mean, you always made it seem like…” He tried not to smile, but a mischievous grin was inching up the corners of his mouth as something clicked into place. “Dave, who was _your_ first kiss?”

Dave covered his mouth, his skin flaring up bright red. “You.”

“Oh my god!” Karkat wacked him in the shoulder with his pillow. “You acted like such hot shit all this time, but you’re a goddamn virgin too!”

“I get it. It’s hilarious. _Stop laughing!_ ”

Dave sat back, pulling away and, oh no. Oh wait. No no no. Come back.

Karkat caught his sleeve and stopped him from scooting further away. “You dork. I’m not laughing at you really. I mean, I guess I am, but I promise it’s not a bad thing.”

Dave was caught between hurt and confusion. “How does being laughed at constitute as a _good_ thing?”

Karkat bit his bottom lip. “I sort of like you like this. Honest and,” Now Karkat’s face was heating up, “kind of cute?”

Dave’s mouth petered into an almost smile. “You think me being a virgin is cute?”

“I think you being just as inexperienced as me makes me feel a little more at ease.” Karkat sat up and set his hands on Dave’s shoulders. “I think you trying so hard to hide that is fucking adorable.” He pushed a little of his weight forward and Dave fell back into a sitting position. Karkat climbed into his lap. “And I think you getting flustered over your first time is totally okay and actually encouraged. I like seeing you like this.” He smiled down at Dave’s face, a black eye finally rimming the outside of his left socket. “I like it when you’re open. It makes you more human.”

Dave sucked in a breath and tightly pulled Karkat closer, his face burrowing into Karkat’s chest. He mumbled something into the fabric.

Karkat rolled his eyes but patted Dave on the back of his head. “Can’t hear you, asshole.”

Dave turned to the side so he could speak, “Since you like it when I’m being honest, I love you a whole lot and would very much like to be invited to your pants party down south now please.”

Karkat groaned. “Wow. You ruined the moment.”

Dave looked up at him and cupped his cheek. “Sorry, man. You’re gonna have to teach me the ways of romance. You know now that I’m not actually the master seducer I appear to be.” He let out a shaky sigh, nervous. “But I’ll try my best for you.”

He pulled Karkat’s face down to his, pressing their lips together. He gave soft, feathery kisses. Sensual and excruciatingly slow. Hesitant and gentle, as if Dave thought Karkat might turn to glass and shatter in his arms if he dared to be rougher.

One of Dave’s hands slid up under his shirt, fingers gliding smoothly up Karkat’s spine. He shivered at the light touch, opening his mouth to let out a small gasp. With his lips parted, Dave hungrily deepened the kiss, tongue finding easy passage inside.

Curiously, Karkat removed one of his hands from Dave’s shoulder and undid the button and fly of Dave’s pants, watching his face for a reaction. Dave closed his eyes and pressed his forehead to Karkat’s neck, letting out short, warm breaths against his skin.

Taking that as a sign of approval, Karkat dipped his hand inside Dave’s jeans and felt around the outline of what was definitely Dave’s dick. The slight contact made Dave flinch forward, as if he was asking for more with his entire body. Karkat happily complied, pulling it out of his boxers and beginning to rub along the shaft.

The sight of Dave jerking and making hushed noises against him made his own body react and he tried to whisper into Dave’s ear, “Can you… maybe touch me too?” Dave nodded into his shoulder.

He followed Karkat’s lead, reaching into his pants and carefully pulling him out. Karkat noticed Dave was mirroring his movements, sneaking downward glances and observing how Karkat was moving his own hand, just to see what he might like.

Karkat licked his lips.

He leaned down to talk into Dave’s ear again. “Dave, can you lean up? I want to kiss you.” Dave’s ear tips went red and he shuddered. He shook his head. Karkat smirked. “ _No?_ Why not?”

Dave’s voice came out breathy and needy, “ _Karkat._ ” His little pants were coming out more rapidly, hurried. Karkat worked his hand faster. Dave gasped and both his hands flew up to Karkat’s shoulders. “Wait! Stop! Karkat, I don’t want to finish by myself!”

Karkat scooted closer and wrapped both Dave’s and his hands around them.  Dave’s wide, frightened eyes locked with his. “Then kiss me until I’m as close as you are.”

Something in Dave’s temperament switched. His brow unfurrowed and his lids lowered into a serene expression. But, as always, his smile stole the show, rising up to crinkle a few laugh lines at the corners of his eyes. The face Dave Strider was making was the purest expression Karkat had ever seen on a person and he immediately wanted to kiss it silly.

But Dave had apparently reached the idea first, diving in eagerly to capture Karkat’s mouth and hold it against his. With his lips preoccupied and his lower parts happily receiving just as much attention, Karkat could feel himself being pulled closer and closer towards release.

From hearing the noises Dave had started to make, Karkat could tell that he wasn’t far off either. Karkat worked their hands faster, rutting up against Dave to create more friction. They had stopped kissing at some point, opting instead to just breathe in each other’s air.

With a jerky shudder of Dave’s hips, he came, and the sight of him weakly clinging to Karkat as he rode out his climax, pushed Karkat into following. The stillness that followed was tranquil and euphoric.

But their post glow was interrupted way too soon by a stickiness Karkat wanted nothing more than to clean from his hands. His attempt to get up was foiled, however, when Dave fell forward, onto him, and pressed his body to the bed. “ _Dave!_ ” He tried to call out, winded, “Get off, you giant lug! I need to shower, or, at the very least, remove your spunk from betwixt mine fingers. I’ll wipe it on you! Don’t think I’m above that!”

Dave’s arms went around him snuggly. He sighed into Karkat’s collar bone. That small release of tension and expression of genuine happiness stopped Karkat from saying anything more.

“I love you.” The words came out like a flighty reminder. As if Dave was planning to say it often and without reason or prompting in the future.

Karkat pressed a soft kiss to his temple. “I love you too.”

A racket woke them around seven in the morning. There was screaming coming from outside. Karkat leapt from his bed and tried to get to the window as Dave commandeered his pillow and clamped it down over his head. It looked like Kankri was getting all sorts of riled up out front.

Karkat hastily threw on some pants and a t-shirt. He picked up Dave’s clothes and tossed it onto him. “Get dressed. Shit’s hitting the fan.”

Dave groaned.

Karkat rolled his eyes and went to sit on the edge of the bed. “You’re gonna miss your morning kiss.”

Dave’s head urgently popped up, the pillow sliding off. “I’m up. I’m up. Where’s my promised smooch, prince charming?”

Karkat ducked down and gave him a chaste one before getting back up. “That’s all for now. I gotta see what’s happening downstairs.”

Dave mumbled to himself, but complied.

Karkat’s dad must have come home at some point during the night, because the smell of freshly baked pancakes was wafting out from the kitchen. After a quick peek inside, it appeared Mr. Vantas had already come and gone. Karkat wondered if he had seen Dave and what he might have thought of Dave sleeping over.

Or what he thought when he spotted Cronus lying unconscious on the front lawn.

Karkat grabbed Dave’s hand and tugged him towards the door. He opened it and Kankri’s hollering immediately switched from being directed at a groggy Cronus, just having woken up, to Karkat, “Karkat! What in God’s gracious name is going on? I leave for one night and Cronus is locked out of the house and forced to sleep outside? Is that what I’m seeing?”

Being put on the spot wasn’t doing much in the ways of coming up with answers quickly. Karkat’s mouth opened but words weren’t following. Then Dave stepped forward. “Your boyfriend is a fucking scrotum pincher.”

Kankri put a hand to his chest, offended. “I beg your pardon?”

Dave put his hands on his hips. “He’s a real sleezeball behind your back. Tries to put the moves on Karkat when you aren’t lookin cause you haven’t been slippin him the D to get his rocks off.”

Kankri’s face turned red and Karkat almost thought he might be having a heart attack from hearing Dave’s vulgarly worded explanation.

“He’s a rotten bastard so we kicked his sexual assaulting ass to the curb.” Dave ended his sentence with a flourish, snapping his fingers above his head. “Because nobody is touching down on my man except me.”

Karkat buried his face in his hands.

Kankri’s voice came out surprisingly meek, “Karkat… Is this… true? Has Cronus been making… advances towards you?”

Karkat frowned. He really didn’t want to break his brother’s heart. But shit needed to change. He just had to keep reminding himself. It wasn’t his fault. _Cronus_ ruined his relationship with Kankri. But there was still a small nagging fear that Kankri might blame him. That he might be considered a homewrecker of sorts. He nodded. “Yeah. It’s true. Last night he came on to me… pretty strong.”

“Pretty strong? He was trying to lay waste to Karkat’s precious virginity.” Dave tugged him close, hanging an arm off of his shoulder. “No worries though. He handed it off to me for safe keeping. It’s no longer in danger of being stolen.”

Kankri looked appalled.

It was nice to see Dave was back with a little more confidence after last night, but Karkat was still gonna rip into him later.

Kankri looked devastated about the news for about three seconds. Then his face went stone cold. His voice was ice when he addressed his soon to be ex, “ _Cronus._ ”

Cronus held the back of his head, looking dazedly up at him.

“Get the _fuck_ off of my lawn and never come near me or my family ever again. We’re through.”

Cronus’ eyes narrowed into slits. He wobbly got to his feet. “Oh, well that’s just fine! Fuck you guys anyway!” He started to limp forward. “All of you are just a bunch of prudes!”

Dave stuck his foot out and Cronus tripped, falling face flat onto the pavement. He smiled down at him something sinister. “Prudes that know how to file police reports if you don’t leave quietly. Let me tell you, man. The police are never happy about handling domestic disputes, especially if they might tip into sexual assault charges.”

Cronus got up and immediately hauled ass to his car. He sped off so fast his Chevy left tire tracks.

Karkat awkwardly shifted on his feet, not knowing what to fill the silence with. “Um, so… Dad made pancakes before he left?”

Kankri sighed tiredly. “Thank you, Karkat. But I think I’m going to go for a little walk first to clear my head. You and your,” he waved his hand around flippantly in Dave’s direction, “knight in shining armor should go ahead and enjoy yourselves first.” He gave a tentative smile. “I’ll be fine.”

With Kankri gone and the two of them alone again, Karkat found himself absentmindedly sliding his hand into Dave’s. Dave gripped him back, tugging him close. He mused to himself, “So. Loose ends are all tied up. No more bad guys hiding around the corner. No more tropes or mutual pining. What happens now?”

Karkat shrugged. “I don’t really know? Happily ever after?”

Dave grinned. “That doesn’t suite us. How about, ‘Happy. _Even_ after’?”

Karkat leaned into his side. “You know, I like that better.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you everybody that's been supporting this little joyride of a fic! it was a make-it-up-as-i-go kind of thing from beginning to end and i was surprised by how quickly it developed plot.  
> after this, i plan on going back and majorly editing another one of my works (speciesbent) and then finishing it. but after that? who knows!


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